Oh, good.  Brian Michael Bendis has murdered Hawkeye again!  He must be so proud of himself!

So, yeah, the Thors showed up and warned our heroes that God-Emperor Doom is “aware of the dimensional travesty that you have made of your home,” and that they’re not to try fixing it themselves.  Prime-continuity Hawkeye challenges this (“I do challenge it!!!”, three exclamation points), and so they lightning him to death.  But I can’t bring myself to care because, thankfully, a cursory glance at the Internet proves that I’m not the only one who is wondering where and when the @#$% this comic is meant to be taking place.  You see, before the end of all reality, a handful of heroes made it in to an ark ship and survived in stasis, including Captain Marvel, Star-Lord (of course), Black Panther, Mr. Fantastic, Spider-Man, and Phoenix-Cyclops.  (Because he had a Phoenix Egg!  What’s that, you ask?  Where’d he get it, you ask?  Good questions!)  In Secret Wars issue 3, Dr. Strange just released them from stasis after eight years.  Which leads us all to wonder… who, exactly, are these guys?  When is this supposed to be happening if “our” Spider-Man and Cyclops just woke up?  Will answers be forthcoming, or does Bendis not know what the @#$% he is doing?

But hey, at least we get an obligatory two-page scene with our Spider-Man eating sandwiches with Ultimate Aunt May* and Gwen Stacy in Queens, which — let’s see here — “not sure what the protocol is”… “hoping this weird dimensional weirdness”… “you’re so much younger”… “don’t think this will ever not be weird” — which, nope, does not progress the overall plot even a tiny little bit.  Nothing original, nothing interesting, nothing that wasn’t already amply covered in the Spider-Men miniseries.  Also an overlong scene where Tony Stark and Ultimate Tony Stark discuss the pros and cons of sobriety while deciding whether or not to… I don’t know, move the plot forward despite the warnings of the Thors?  I assume?  So many words to not say anything at all.

We then go to the Raft prison for super-criminals, in which the Punisher is being held prisoner, until the place is torn apart by Ultimate Hulk.  Maria Hill and Ultimate Nick Fury spend some time yammering at each other about which Hulk it is and if he smashed or crashed into the Raft, because “if he smashed it, he did it on purpose… but if he crashed into it, it means he was either pushed, punched, or thrown.”  At which point another Hulk shows up and they start fighting.  Which is fair enough, if boring and unimaginative, until I thought about it and realized, wait, which Hulk is this now?  Is it prime-continuity Hulk?  Because that guy was just in his intelligent Doc Green persona on page one of this very issue.  So is this just… a third reality’s Hulk?  Because a Hulk vs. Hulk fight is something I doubt anybody really demanded to see?  Is something weird going on, or does Bendis not know what the @#$% he is doing?

*It always feels weird referring to “Ultimate Aunt May,” like she should be wearing a leather belly-shirt and delivering her catchphrase, “Did somebody say ‘twerking?'”