Well, um… I @#$%ing hated it?  How’s that for ya?

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Cody, you picked up the first issue of a comic featuring Groot, what did you think was going to happen.”  Frankly, I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself.  I guess it’s just masochism that prompts me to keep picking up Guardians of the Galaxy comics and expecting that they’ll be anything more than Marvel Looney Tunes.  I was surprised by how much I enjoyed writer Jeff Loveness’ recent three-part Inhuman Error storyline (in-depth love letter forthcoming), so I thought, well hey, maybe he’ll be the one to turn Groot into a character in his own right instead of an unfunny one-note non-joke.

Nope!  No discernible difference between this and an issue of Skottie Young’s Rocket Raccoon, because Rocket Raccoon is the main character by default, because Rocket Raccoon does all the talking in this fun space comic that is apparently marketed towards tiny babies.  Groot and Rocket are hitchhiking through the infinite void of space on their way to Earth, and they meet a space-truck-driver hauling space-chickens until they run into a pack of space-sharks… then they’re picked up by a bunch of Skrulls pretending to be identical humans until they, I guess, get confused about who they’re supposed to shape-shift into… oh and hey, why not throw in a last-son-of-Krypton gag when Rocket and Groot steal the spaceship meant for the infant son of Kor/Al?  That’s never been done before, right?  Should be good for a laugh?  And then — while they’re having yet another conversation in the cold and airless vacuum of space — they’re captured by WHAT THE @#$% ELSE BUT a generic alien space-mercenary (literally wearing a pirate hat) looking to collect the bounty on Groot, prompting an argument about why Groot’s bounty is higher than Rocket’s.  Then she summons a whole army of generic alien space-mercenaries out of nowhere.  Then they continue their conversation and fisticuffs all in the lifeless void of space without benefit of sound or gravity.  Rocket’s captured, he slaps a propulsion pack on Groot, and tells him to “go tell everyone exactly what happened!” before he realizes that isn’t going to work.  To be continued.  And oh, by the way, it seems Groot wants to get back to Earth to meet up with someone named “Hannah.”  Uh-oh!  Could it be?  Is Groot… in wuv?  

Well, kids and babies, if you loved the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, feel free to pick up this comic, because it’s the exact same brainless story that you can find in literally any other comic with a funny space character on the cover.  I hope you enjoy it, because it’s clearly you for whom this comic was intended, not me.  Thank you, this has been the latest installment of Cody’s Joyless Curmudgeon Corner.