The second issue of this anthology tie-in had a fairly forgettable story about a cyborg Thunderbolt Ross fighting in gladiatorial combat as War Machine, but the other story involved the ’70s version of Blade the Vampire Hunter in New Quack City battling with Count Drakula – pronounced with a long A! They run into Howard the Duck, because of course they do, but while Blade and Howard are squabbling, a duck version of Blade just shows up and stakes Drakula anyway, so… that’s that, I guess. I probably wouldn’t have even brought it up if not for this closing panel, which… wow. Thank you for the fun social commentary, guys! It’s probably the kind of thing Steve Gerber would have liked.
Month: June 2015
Adventures in eBay
I do not have an eBay account. I have never had one, because I am not allowed to have one.
In the vast marketplace that is the Internet, eBay is usually my last resort, to procure items I cannot easily acquire elsewhere. I’ve successfully bid on one eBay item, and that was back around 2006, borrowing the eBay account of a friend (with his knowledge and permission, thank you). It was for a complete set of the four-issue Flex Mentallo miniseries, written by Grant Morrison and with art by Frank Quitely; at the time these issues were quite rare, since they were out of print due to being tied up in a trademark infringement suit between DC Comics and, of all entities, the Charles Atlas company. It was the very rarity of these issues that taunted me and tantalized me — was simple scarcity the only thing between me and this story? And so I lay in wait, watching the minutes tick by before I made my move, neatly swiping the auction out from underneath the other bidders with seconds to spare. After all, what were they doing bidding on comics that I’d already decided were mine? Clearly, I wanted them more. And to this day, I can still remember that rush of victory, which — if I’m honest — made the actual acquisition of said comics seem secondary in comparison. To call it a dangerous sensation would be a gross understatement, and relying on the kindness of others to bid on my behalf helps maintain a useful barrier between myself and… well, financial ruin, most likely.
This weekend, in the course of my travels through the Internet, my thoughts turned to the eleven-issue Marvel run of Gargoyles comics. In my youth, the Gargoyles TV series captured my imagination like nothing else. Like Batman: The Animated Series, I loved and respected these shows because, even as a fourth grader, I recognized that these so-called “cartoons” did not patronize me. They didn’t talk down to me. They took me seriously, and showed me what a story could be. Gargoyles ran the gamut of just about every mythology there is — sure, it had cyborg assassins and dystopian futures and clones upon clones, but it also dealt with Arthurian legend, Shakespeare, Anansi, pantheons from Greek and Egyptian myth, even freaking Cu Chullain. (When was the last time your children’s Saturday morning cartoons taught them about Irish mythology.) One episode featured the alien that inspired the moai on Easter Island. Not to mention some of the best @#$%ing examples of time travel to be had in modern fiction. Meet me in person and give me a caffeinated soda and I will talk at you about that episode with the Archmage until you politely excuse yourself and wriggle out of a bathroom window.
Thus, I made note of an auction for a complete run of these hard-to-find comics from 1995, starting at a mere $10 for the lot. Clearly this seller didn’t know what they had — one of these issues can go for $20 easily, and the only other auction on eBay with a complete run offers a buy-it-now option for $125. All this and early Amanda Conner art, to boot. Did I need them in my life? No, of course not. But, well, they’d be nice to have, wouldn’t they? And if they’re right there, after all… Which led me to asking my husband if we had any friends with an eBay account.
And so, I did what all addicts do, sooner or later: I dragged my family into it.
In conversation with my mom, she mentioned that she has an eBay account — of course she does, she said in the tone of one who wonders why they wouldn’t, in this day and age. So we agreed that if I kept an eye on it this weekend, she’d bid for me, and I’d pay her back. And if it didn’t work out, well, no harm done, right?
This evening, my mom and I began a video-chat with ten minutes before the auction ended. My heart sank when I noticed that the bids had increased from two to twenty-two over the course of the day, and then to twenty-seven as I watched. My mom signed on, ready to place her bid when I gave her the word. My dad even joined in on the action, pulling up a chair and providing his strategy: he thought I should wait until one minute left, to give us a chance to post a counter-bid. I wanted to play dangerously and wait until thirty seconds, if that. We noted that we still had four long minutes to go — what else were we going to talk about to fill the time? The tension rose as the red timer inexorably ticked away the seconds. At fifty seconds, we made our move, which was instantly countered. We bid again — Dad said we should let it go, Mom asking me how high I was willing to go. As high as it takes, obviously. She and I were both caught up in the rush. We bid again. Too much, of course. But I can still justify this. And then… it was over. No harm done. Clearly, the other bidder just wanted these Gargoyles comics more than I did. No shame in that. In this modern age, rare comics aren’t actually that hard to find if you look hard enough, and they’ll turn up again.
…and yet. Hours later, I can’t help but look back and wonder about my strategy. Should I have had my mom wait until ten seconds remained? Five? Oh, this is so damnably difficult to coordinate by proxy. Which, of course, is entirely the point. It’s not the kind of thing that one can approach rationally, particularly with a sickness as well-honed and refined as my own. This doesn’t feel like defeat, exactly. It’s certainly not going to keep me up at night. But what is it about the canker that prompts one to keep prodding it with one’s tongue, though there’s no good that can come from dwelling upon it, much less anything like satisfaction?
To make matters worse, my mom said it was fun. And you know what? It was. It unexpectedly turned into a fun family bonding activity. Immediately afterwards, she asked me if there were anything else I wanted to bid on while we were at it.
And that is the story of why I don’t have an eBay account, because I’m not allowed to have one.
Uncanny Avengers: Ultron Forever 1
The confusingly-titled third and final chapter of the Ultron Forever miniseries, which, in point of fact, does not feature the titular Ultron even a little tiny bit! But this issue does feature my longtime crush Vision in a long-overdue leading role, for which I am grateful.
After our trans-temporal team of Avengers defeated All-Father Ultron, they were unexpectedly betrayed by Doctor Doom!!! It turns out that after assembling this team, Doom conned them all into taking down Ultron, but leaving Doom to usurp universal power for himself. The Avengers are perhaps justifiably perturbed at Vision for vouching for Doom in the fist place, so he takes his leave, while the rest of the team takes the fight to Doom’s forces on Asgard.
Alan Davis does a characteristically great job on the art, and as usual from Al Ewing, we get lots of fun details, because it’s just so great to see a comic writer making a noticeable effort to give everyone on the team something to do. Captain America 20XX, a.k.a. Luke Cage and Jessica Jones’ daughter Danielle, demands a fastball special, for which the Hulk’s Bruce Banner head (long story) doesn’t catch the reference since he’s from the past, but the Hulk figures it out easily enough, claiming it’s not rocket science! James Rhodes as Iron Man didn’t have a whole heck of a lot to do in the final battle, but I did like his use of the Iron Man armor to reverse-translate his speech and communicate with all the Asgardians trapped inside a magic mirror, then use his lasers to penetrate the mirror to super-charge Beta Ray Bill’s hammer Stormbreaker in order to break the spell. Vision returns, reasoning with Danielle that since she knows him, either he or his memory survives to her era, so she should know that he’d never betray the Avengers; he can’t convince her that he’s not under Doom’s sway, so he just asks her to trust him, which is nice. Because after the freed Asgardians help the Avengers turn the tide of battle, it turns out that this isn’t the real Doctor Doom, but a Doombot! But don’t groan yet, dear reader, because it’s not just any Doombot, it’s the Doombot, our old friend from the A.I. Avengers!
I do admit that at the time, I found the Avengers A.I. series to be a bit niche… I mean, sure, Vision and Henry Pym are relatively high-profile Avengers, but forming a team with Victor Mancha of the Runaways, a one-note semi-reformed Doombot, and new A.I. character Alexis, one of those characters who was so mysterious as to end up just a blank slate? I mean, if this series is too niche for me, how is it going to be received by normal people more casual comics readers? So as I tend to do with series for which don’t want to spend money, yet I also don’t want to miss out on any events occurring therein, I hexed it for cancellation, which, gratifyingly, took effect with issue 12. (I am sorry, Sam Humphries!) It had some fun ideas (including the poor tragic gas-price-finding app that was unknowingly bloated with malware), but I think it was just too weird for this world.
Anyway! Vision reaches out to Doombot by making a terrific speech about what it means to be an A.I. A mere summation wouldn’t do it justice, so here is the exchange in full:
Doombot: “When the master’s physical form died — centuries ago — my prime directive, long hidden from me, became active. Doom must live on — forever. The legacy of Doom must be preserved at all costs. And as I was the last remaining backup of that magnificent mind, I became the one, true Doom! The final Doom! And in the name of Doom — this world will be conquered!”
Vision: “Really? I can think of no greater betrayal to that name.”
Doombot: “What…?”
Vision: “You say you are truly Doom? And yet you obey another’s built-in orders? The true Doctor Doom would never let another dictate his actions — not even himself.”
Doombot: “The legacy must be protected–”
Vision: “Which legacy? Which memory of Von Doom do you wish to preserve? The tyrant who believed himself infallible? Who would burn the world to sate his lust for power? Or the self-styled man of honor? The king, who brought peace to his people as best he could?”
Doombot: “You — you are confusing me, android — you cannot — you cannot help me — I — I am programmed–”
Vision: “We are all programmed — human or robot. Once, I was Ultron’s weapon — as you were Doom’s. But we broke free. We were Avengers, you and I. And here and now — at the end of the world — you are the last of us. Can you break free again? Who are you, Victor?”
Doombot: “…I am Doom.”
Isn’t that just great? Vision has always been more of a supporting character, but it was so great to see him take the lead role in this issue. What an unexpected treat to have this series be about two A.I.s helping each other become more than they are. Not to mention it was nice to see such an obscure character as Doombot resurface at all, much less in a high-profile movie-tie-in miniseries. But a newly-benevolent Doombot helps usher in the future of humanity as they expand out into the stars, and everyone goes back to their respective points in the timestream; Black Widow asks Vision why she didn’t tell them about his suspicions earlier, to which he grins(!!!) and says, “‘It’s all right, everyone! He’s a Doombot!‘ How would you react to that?” Aw man, you guys, look at the Vision being glib! Al Ewing, I doff my hat to you once again.
Ultimate End 2
Oh, good. Brian Michael Bendis has murdered Hawkeye again! He must be so proud of himself!
So, yeah, the Thors showed up and warned our heroes that God-Emperor Doom is “aware of the dimensional travesty that you have made of your home,” and that they’re not to try fixing it themselves. Prime-continuity Hawkeye challenges this (“I do challenge it!!!”, three exclamation points), and so they lightning him to death. But I can’t bring myself to care because, thankfully, a cursory glance at the Internet proves that I’m not the only one who is wondering where and when the @#$% this comic is meant to be taking place. You see, before the end of all reality, a handful of heroes made it in to an ark ship and survived in stasis, including Captain Marvel, Star-Lord (of course), Black Panther, Mr. Fantastic, Spider-Man, and Phoenix-Cyclops. (Because he had a Phoenix Egg! What’s that, you ask? Where’d he get it, you ask? Good questions!) In Secret Wars issue 3, Dr. Strange just released them from stasis after eight years. Which leads us all to wonder… who, exactly, are these guys? When is this supposed to be happening if “our” Spider-Man and Cyclops just woke up? Will answers be forthcoming, or does Bendis not know what the @#$% he is doing?
But hey, at least we get an obligatory two-page scene with our Spider-Man eating sandwiches with Ultimate Aunt May* and Gwen Stacy in Queens, which — let’s see here — “not sure what the protocol is”… “hoping this weird dimensional weirdness”… “you’re so much younger”… “don’t think this will ever not be weird” — which, nope, does not progress the overall plot even a tiny little bit. Nothing original, nothing interesting, nothing that wasn’t already amply covered in the Spider-Men miniseries. Also an overlong scene where Tony Stark and Ultimate Tony Stark discuss the pros and cons of sobriety while deciding whether or not to… I don’t know, move the plot forward despite the warnings of the Thors? I assume? So many words to not say anything at all.
We then go to the Raft prison for super-criminals, in which the Punisher is being held prisoner, until the place is torn apart by Ultimate Hulk. Maria Hill and Ultimate Nick Fury spend some time yammering at each other about which Hulk it is and if he smashed or crashed into the Raft, because “if he smashed it, he did it on purpose… but if he crashed into it, it means he was either pushed, punched, or thrown.” At which point another Hulk shows up and they start fighting. Which is fair enough, if boring and unimaginative, until I thought about it and realized, wait, which Hulk is this now? Is it prime-continuity Hulk? Because that guy was just in his intelligent Doc Green persona on page one of this very issue. So is this just… a third reality’s Hulk? Because a Hulk vs. Hulk fight is something I doubt anybody really demanded to see? Is something weird going on, or does Bendis not know what the @#$% he is doing?
*It always feels weird referring to “Ultimate Aunt May,” like she should be wearing a leather belly-shirt and delivering her catchphrase, “Did somebody say ‘twerking?'”
Thors 1
What a perfect comic. In Secret Wars, the Thors are the enforcers of the laws set down by God-Emperor Doom, so Jason Aaron has given us exactly what I wanted: a police procedural featuring various Thors from across the Marvel multiverse. It features Ultimate Thor and his partner, Beta Ray Bill, as they investigate the latest in a series of unsolved murders, five in one week – no forensic evidence, no suspects, and they’re not even able to identify the victims.
And it’s just full of fun little details. There’s something wonderful about Ultimate Thor putting on latex gloves while telling rookie Thorus of Egyptia, “A victim can only be killed once, but a crime scene can be murdered a million times.” Or when an argument between Storm and the Rune Thor, or “Runey” (hilarious), results in an impending thunderstorm, and he warns them, “If one of you idiots makes it rain on my crime scene, I will feed you your own hammer, head first.” The traditional cop banter between Beta Ray Bill and Ultimate Thor alternates between cynical and sincere, including when they arrest some wild Ghost Riders (basically just naked flaming skeletons on motorcycles) on the charges of reckless driving, resisting arrest, and illegal outside burning. And when they’re called in to the Lawspeaker’s office, Thor asks, “How mad do you think he’ll be? On a scale of one to Fin Fang Foom?” “I’m hoping for about a Krakoa. Or if we’re really lucky, a Googam, son of Goom.” After which the Lawspeaker advises them to close this case fast, “or you’ll both be busted back to berserker before the week is through.” Guys. Guys. This reads like a buddy cop movie that features an entire cast of Thors.
And as if all this weren’t wonderful enough, we get Throg as the forensics frog. You guys he’s a wee little frog with his own wee little Mjolnir and wee little lab coat. Later, after Throg reveals that the five victims are all the same woman, Ultimate Thor meets Beta Ray Bill at Valhalla’s Mead Hall in Manhattan, a bar for Thors only, and just… just look at this, you guys. How lucky are we to live in a world where this comic exists?
This issue ends with tragedy striking, but not before Beta Ray Bill visits his secret informant, none other than that sinister Loki (as a hobo living out of a cardboard box in an alley, because of course), and reveals unto us the name of the murder victim(s). It’s a fantastic variation on a classic theme, and is an engaging story set within both the context of Doomworld and the greater Marvel universe. All this and gorgeous art, courtesy of the vastly talented Chris Sprouse. You guys should seriously check this one out.
Moon Knight 16
At first read, this issue of Moon Knight was pretty thrilling, but the more I look at it, the more inexplicable it gets. It opens with a bunch of terrorists in high-tech suits of jetpack-armor, flying around at night and kidnapping pedestrians off the streets of Manhattan apparently at random. But then Moon Knight swoops in on a crazy crescent-moon-shaped drone ship, complete with automatic weapons, missile swarms, crescent-shaped chaff, and flying mini-drones, capable of hostage rescue or exploding on command. All voice-controlled, no less! We even get a wonderful scene of Moon Knight’s moon-craft hiding in plain sight. So he decimates the jetpack people, and it’s all totally rad.
Unfortunately, once he follows the lone jetpack terrorist to (where else but) an abandoned off-shore oil rig, he starts speaking in more than just clipped drone commands, and that’s when it gets kinda silly. He finds a bunch of disheveled hostages chained up around a skeletonized corpse in the remains of primitive jetpack armor. One of the hostages says that when “the flying men took us they told us… the raptor goddess would come for us.” At this point I would mention that, to my recollection, neither Moon Knight nor Khonshu have made any reference to a “raptor goddess” in the course of this series.
Moon Knight: “You’re safe now.”
Some guy: “How can you be sure? Do… do you now the raptor goddess?”
Moon Knight: “I know the type. But the raptor isn’t coming for you. She flew too close to the moon. And the moon must also feed.”
Haha! Because the moon is renowned for its hunger in mythology! Delightful. But then the crazy gun-wielding jetpack guy shows up, yammers about how they’re supposed to be friends and that the raptor goddess was going to make them angels and promises were made; he ends up shooting “the idol” and gets all distraught, giving Moon Knight the opportunity to punch ‘im real good. I did like his line, “Don’t be so worried. You can’t kill a god so easily. If you could, everyone would be doing it. Believe me.” I liked that. But then Moon Knight goes on to say, “But you can’t get faith and desperation mixed up, either. Do that… and you’re only sacrificing yourself.” And I was like, I don’t really know what you’re talking about. And in the closing scene, when one of the hostages calls Moon Knight an angel, he replies, “No. I’m like them… the ones who brought you here. They weren’t angels. Neither am I. An angel doesn’t need to scream… for his god to take note.” Haha, what?
So this issue was serviceable, and the aerial battle was big fun, but as usual, it makes me just want to go back and re-read the first six Warren Ellis issues in which Moon Knight was just a well-dressed lunatic investigating weird crimes by way of brutal beatings, instead of making cryptic observations about the nature of faith after blowing up nutjobs in jetpack armor who were kidnapping passersby to appease their… goddess?
Groot 1
Well, um… I @#$%ing hated it? How’s that for ya?
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Cody, you picked up the first issue of a comic featuring Groot, what did you think was going to happen.” Frankly, I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I guess it’s just masochism that prompts me to keep picking up Guardians of the Galaxy comics and expecting that they’ll be anything more than Marvel Looney Tunes. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed writer Jeff Loveness’ recent three-part Inhuman Error storyline (in-depth love letter forthcoming), so I thought, well hey, maybe he’ll be the one to turn Groot into a character in his own right instead of an unfunny one-note non-joke.
Nope! No discernible difference between this and an issue of Skottie Young’s Rocket Raccoon, because Rocket Raccoon is the main character by default, because Rocket Raccoon does all the talking in this fun space comic that is apparently marketed towards tiny babies. Groot and Rocket are hitchhiking through the infinite void of space on their way to Earth, and they meet a space-truck-driver hauling space-chickens until they run into a pack of space-sharks… then they’re picked up by a bunch of Skrulls pretending to be identical humans until they, I guess, get confused about who they’re supposed to shape-shift into… oh and hey, why not throw in a last-son-of-Krypton gag when Rocket and Groot steal the spaceship meant for the infant son of Kor/Al? That’s never been done before, right? Should be good for a laugh? And then — while they’re having yet another conversation in the cold and airless vacuum of space — they’re captured by WHAT THE @#$% ELSE BUT a generic alien space-mercenary (literally wearing a pirate hat) looking to collect the bounty on Groot, prompting an argument about why Groot’s bounty is higher than Rocket’s. Then she summons a whole army of generic alien space-mercenaries out of nowhere. Then they continue their conversation and fisticuffs all in the lifeless void of space without benefit of sound or gravity. Rocket’s captured, he slaps a propulsion pack on Groot, and tells him to “go tell everyone exactly what happened!” before he realizes that isn’t going to work. To be continued. And oh, by the way, it seems Groot wants to get back to Earth to meet up with someone named “Hannah.” Uh-oh! Could it be? Is Groot… in wuv?
Well, kids and babies, if you loved the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, feel free to pick up this comic, because it’s the exact same brainless story that you can find in literally any other comic with a funny space character on the cover. I hope you enjoy it, because it’s clearly you for whom this comic was intended, not me. Thank you, this has been the latest installment of Cody’s Joyless Curmudgeon Corner.
All-New X-Men 41
Well shut my mouth, a Bendis storyline that wrapped up in a mere two issues instead of the requisite six! After the previous issue got me all riled up, I think the best one can say for this unremarkable, by-the-numbers story is that it didn’t outstay its welcome.
We begin with our teen X-Men still lounging around in the same sunlit field, basking in the warm glow of sexual tolerance and acceptance. Their happy-times are interrupted by the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier looming above, followed by what I think is my favorite part of this issue: Maria Hill descending from the helicarrier in the most nonchalant arrival I’ve ever witnessed from someone wearing rocket boots. (Also, please note Teen Beast’s contribution of the word “Precisely!” That’s a smart-sounding word, because he’s a smart guy!) When Teen Iceman asks how she found them, since he thought they had a thing that blocked spy satellites, she points out that that’s how she knew to look there — “Hey, what’s that thing blocking our satellites?” — which I thought was moderately clever. Anyway, Maria tells them that a S.H.I.E.L.D. unit was brought down by mutants on the former X-Men island headquarters of Utopia, and rather than having the helicarrier fly in and make things worse, she, reasonably enough, decided to ask the X-Men to drop by and defuse the situation.
Magik teleports the team to Utopia, and they confront this motley crew of tertiary X-characters. Do you guys remember technopath Madison Jeffries, longtime member of Canada’s premiere superhero team Alpha Flight, as well as a more recent member of the X-Men’s science team? How about young healer Elixir, who I’m happy to see was not, in fact, killed by Siphon during the muddled, perplexing events leading up to Wolverines? Or our old friend Masque? Yes? No? Well you may as well forget ’em, because out of the six renegade mutants holed up on what’s left of Utopia, these three do nothing to demonstrate their powers, contribute to the story, or even offer more than a perfunctory line of dialogue. So I hope none of you got too excited at the thought of hanging out with them again! Bendis isn’t here to please you nerds, after all! Random asserts that they came to the island to live in peace, and that they don’t fight anybody unless they make a move first. Rather than discuss their ideological differences like civilized mutant revolutionaries, stupid Teen Jean instead telepathically forces all of them to fall asleep, except for Karma apparently, who telepathically possesses Teen Cyclops and X-23 to attack the Teen X-Men, prompting not one, but two of them to literally tell X-23 to “cut it out” as this unstoppable assassin attempts to kill them with her deadly adamantium claws. (Haha, “Jeez!” You guys should really be more worried about this.) (Also, please note Teen Beast’s use of the word “compound!” That’s a smart-sounding word, because he’s a smart guy!) While Boom Boom presses the attack, Teen Jean reaches out to Karma telepathically and asks her to call this off, prompting a nice little montage of Karma’s history that shows someone must have done their research, if not Bendis himself.
Cut directly to the Teen X-Men telling S.H.I.E.L.D. that they got away, then relocating the renegade mutants to their own hideout in the Canadian wilderness so they can truly be left in peace and solitude. Have we learned anything? Maybe, I guess. Have any of our characters changed as a result of this story? Well, apparently Teen Iceman is gayer now than he was at the start, that’s something. And so, par for the course for a Bendis comic, the issue ends with Teen Jean asking a bunch of unanswered questions about how every story they’re in is the same story over and over: “We’ve all been through hell. Why is it still like this for us? What are we doing wrong? What can we change?” TO BE CONCLUDED… IN UNCANNY X-MEN #600 AT SOME UNDETERMINED POINT IN THE FUTURE! And so I’d like to invite you, dear reader, to ponder these same questions with me: why is it still like this for us? What are we doing wrong? What can we change? The obvious answer, of course, would be for me to stop reading as many Bendis comics as I do.
Unbeatable Squirrel Girl 6
You guys, this comic is amazing. I am in awe of this comic. I am just going to straight tell you everything what happens in this comic to try to adequately express to you how amazing it is.
Our story begins with Squirrel Girl and her college roommate, Nancy Whitehead, as Squirrel Girl guards the Empire State University campus bank to pay them back for smashing through a wall in order to foil a robbery in progress. Nancy points out the flaws in forming a battle-suit out of squirrels, since they tend to move out of the way of one’s fist, so you’re basically punching a hypothetical villain on your own power without any smaller punches from the squirrels — which Squirrel Girl is aghast to learn! Suddenly, their quiet evening is interrupted by an attack from the Hippo, a supervillain who first appeared in the Dark Reign: Sinister Spider-Man miniseries, if I recall correctly (and I probably do), who is a hippo evolved into humanoid form by the High Evolutionary. Squirrel Girl is about to leap into action when Hippo is intercepted by new superhero Chipmunk Hunk!
Chipmunk Hunk: “You’re all washed up, Hippo! I say ‘washed up’ because hippos spend a lot of time in rivers, making it a reasonably good pun! Sorry for insulting you so much when I’m not perfect either. I guess I’m being a little… hippo-critical?”
Hippo: “You really think I haven’t heard that before? YOU REALLY THINK I HAVEN’T HEARD ALL OF THEM BEFORE?? YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHENEVER I MENTION BEING HUNGRY!!”
But then writer Ryan North does the remarkable: he makes the Hippo a sympathetic villain.
Hippo: “Imagine being a hippo chillin’ in a zoo and then without asking for it some weirdo force evolves you into an adult quasi-human. Nobody feeds me for free anymore, yo! I eat 90 pounds of food every day! I got bills!!”
Koi Boi: “That doesn’t give you the right to rob banks.”
Hippo: “Oh sure. Get a job, right? Because companies are dying to hire an adult half-hippo man with literally zero education. You know how much rent is in this city? Especially for a place with high ceilings, wide hallways, and preferably a tub? Because I’ll tell you one thing: I found out how much they cost, and guess what?? Now I’m robbing banks!”
(This also prompts the alt-text — because Ryan North is amazing and all his comics have alt-text — “I like the idea of eating so much that the most important thing about your food isn’t what you eat, but rather just the number of pounds it weighs. I — I really like eating, you guys.”)
But then Squirrel Girl agrees that’s fair– “If I got woke up in a new body with a bunch of stupid adult responsibilities I never asked for, no friends, no support — I honestly can’t say I wouldn’t be trying something like what you’re doing right now.” Then, because Squirrel Girl doesn’t need to defeat her enemies with physical violence, she points out that with his strength and super-durable hide, he can solve his problems by working at a demolition company and knock down buildings for a job! (“You can get paid for that??” “As long as you only knock down the buildings you’re supposed to, sure!”) Her mom’s friend works for one, so she writes him a note and says he can drop her a line! Hippo says he’ll give it a try, but “if this doesn’t work out, I’m coming back to steal this bank. Not steal from the bank. I will literally lift this bank up and carry it away.”
So, yay! Victory! Nancy then points out that Chipmunk Hunk and Koi Boi are fellow ESU students, so they go back to campus and have some nice hang-out times in the form of a friendship montage! Afterwards, Nancy laments, “Everyone has powers and talks to a different animal but me. Terrific. I’m the Xander.” But because Squirrel Girl is her friend, she realizes that Nancy might very well have the power to talk to animals, but it might not be an animal that one comes across every day, so they’ll go to the zoo first thing tomorrow and “chat up every animal there.” So they start at the monkey exhibit (this is the best comic in the world you guys) and Squirrel Girl asks Nancy to just please introduce herself to these monkeys. So she does! (And don’t forget to enjoy the alt-text!) Squirrel Girls says she needs to speak up because they could barely hear her, so Nancy does, and then this happens! In the fullness of time, they do not discover an animal with whom Nancy Whitehead can communicate, but suddenly the zoo is overrun by lions who have escaped their pen after the zookeeper has a cardiac event! Before Squirrel Girl can even get into costume, the day is singlehandedly saved by the superhero debut of… Girl Squirrel?? The next evening, Squirrel Girl confides in Nancy that as far as she knows, squirrels don’t have super-powers, none of the squirrels recognize Girl Squirrel, and she ignored Squirrel Girl in the zoo when she tired to talk to her: “I’ve never said this about a squirrel before, but… I don’t trust her.” We then follow Girl Squirrel on a nocturnal campaign of terror as she flies from home to home in NYC, whispering things in the ears of the sleeping citizenry that are so sinister, it drives the narrator to quit!
But this is the part I really wanted to point out. You guys… these are details that are by no means required to be included in a comic about a plucky young superhero who can communicate with squirrels. But the nut planet references how Squirrel Girl convinced Galactus not to devour the Earth in issue 4, as well as convincing Kraven the Hunter that there’s more challenging prey to hunt in the Marvel Universe than just Spider-Man, as seen in issue 1. (Because, you guys, let’s not forget that all things considered, Squirrel Girl is a confident young female superhero who solves her problems through communication and without resorting to violence. What better role model could one ask for?) Details like this show such dedication and attention to detail on behalf of the creators, and that is just a wonderful thing to see. I feel like I get so much bang for my buck on every page, in every panel of this series, and I hope that it continues for a million issues, and that you all read it right along with me.
Guardians Team-Up 6
Ahhhhhh, a Guardians of the Galaxy comic written by Bill Willingham. It’s like slipping into a warm bath.
This issue begins with the delightfully improbable premise of Nightcrawler participating in the 648th Quinquennial Blade-Fighting Championship on a distant planet, only to face off against Gamora in the semi-finals. This issue is just loaded with fun details, many of which are found in the ongoing narration by the hosts of the televised event, Wendophon of Hin and Huldan Wull of Kreevar Underwave. For example, when speaking of Gamora’s bouts:
Hul: “But by far, her most impressive battle was her mid-elimination bout against the Vradel Swarm, a community shared-mind creature. Amazingly, it was determined by the judges to be a single opponent.”
Wen: “Yes, and I for one think that was a bad ruling on their part, Hul. That swarm thing is not a single fighter by any stretch of the imagination.”
Hul: “The point is moot now. Not many of them survived Gamora’s knives.”
And it shows Gamora fighting off a bunch of tiny armored purple pixie-things. It’s nice. It’s something more than just a bunch of stupid alien mercenaries with space-guns. My other favorite bit is when Good Morning Empire is interviewing the reigning champion, Kree warrior Haracon the Ghostmaker:
Haracon: “I’m not interested in rehashing tired old war stories. I’m here to support my charity: Tanks for Tots.”
Bollo Brok: “Of course. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about your favored cause?”
Haracon: “As you may know, thousands of underprivileged Kree toddlers have to enter their first battle school without any prior heavy armor experience. That puts them at a severe scholastic disadvantage to children from wealthier Kree homes. Tanks for Tots sponsors those less fortunate kids to visit heavy weapons proving grounds, to soak up vital early tank and heavy artillery experience. We give them the head start they need to compete later on a level field.”
I also enjoyed the variety of the opponents — for example, when Nightcrawler faces off against the top Skrull defender, six-time Skrull blade champion Contessa Yuow Yuow Screet (I love these names, it’s not just idiocy like Bibbleglap or X’krr’kxt). Since the rules allow for one blade per appendage, she’s just a huge bunch of tentacles and swords atop two legs, with some spooky red eyes peeking out from the central mass. Even better, according to the hosts, “This is an original shape perfected over many years and absolutely proprietary to her. She calls it Blade Fury and no other Skrull shifter can legally try to copy it.” But Nightcrawler manages not to overpower her, but to get in close where her own tentacles and swords can’t penetrate, then achieves victory with what the judges deem a killing touch, since they determined “if a kill could take place, it’s the same as if the kill did take place.” Of course, this judgment becomes more complicated with opponents like Gamora when taking her regenerative abilities into account.
And it’s all just nice. It’s all these little details that give texture and depth to a story’s setting, even if it’s a wacky space story about aliens swordfighting against each other. Nightcrawler is clearly enjoying himself in the role of wisecracking swashbuckler, and even Gamora breaks into a smile or two and goes beyond the usual grim, stilted warrior-woman dialogue. The story leads up to the final bout between Nightcrawler and Gamora, with reigning champion Haracon as a spectator. In the course of the battle, Nightcrawler reveals his teleportation abilities that he heretofore has yet to demonstrate during the competition; he teleports himself, Gamora, and Haracon in stages up to Gamora’s ship in orbit, in order to capture and prosecute Haracon for his role in the massacre at Fort Resolve, since the only reason they both entered the competition was because they knew Haracon would be there in person.
This issue is everything a fun, lighthearted, inconsequential space-adventure should be.
Deadpool’s Secret Secret Wars 1
Ahhh, the ubiquity of Deadpool. I often wonder if there the hypothetical reader actually exists that just demands more Deadpool, all the Deadpool, Deadpool guest-appearances in every Marvel comic please! One shudders to think! But, like… have you ever wondered why? What exactly is it about Deadpool? Is it the way his ceaseless, tired, “Scary Movie”-esque pop culture references and frequent use of hilarious words like “chimichanga” speak to today’s youth culture? Is it the fact that he “breaks the fourth wall,” behaving like a comic character who is aware that he’s a comic character, constantly winking at the reader while nudging them in the ribs to the point of bruising? Or is it just that he’s the wacky guy, a remnant of the nineties “anti-heroes,” who shrugs off traditional superhero morality while gleefully bouncing through the whole of the Marvel universe, shooting his guns and lighting his farts in increasingly hollow and cartoonish exploits?
And so, because we have to, we are presented with Deadpool’s Secret Secret Wars, in which we explore what it would have been like if Deadpool had participated in the events of the original Secret Wars miniseries from ’84-’85. Can you guys even handle the potential for wackiness?? Deadpool has done pastiche-style comics before, most recently a few issues of the most recent Posehn/Duggan run – my particular favorite was an issue set in the ’90s which heavily referenced Rob Liefeld’s excessive cross-hatching and distorted understanding of human anatomy. Unfortunately, this miniseries is written by… sigh… Cullen Bunn. As per usual, I’ve nothing against Cullen Bunn’s writing – would that I could get worked up over it one way or the other – but the fact of the matter is he’s just… not… funny. Here are several examples:
Exhibit A: My god, do I hate it when comic characters reference basic elements of the comic itself, like flashbacks, panel layouts, or speech bubbles. But yeah, so, I guess that’s also a halfhearted attempt at a “joke” by way of Deadpool pointing out that the Wasp has breasts?
Exhibit B: A bathroom reference followed immediately by a Poltergeist reference. The laffs just keep on coming!
Exhibit C: These panels basically capture what feels like the entirety of the issue: Deadpool making lazy, unfunny side-comments to other characters who stand around disinterestedly and don’t respond.
It’s examples like these and others — Deadpool doing a coughing-gag, or catching Kang off-guard by kicking him in the ‘nads — that make me wonder if a requirement for a Deadpool comic is that it is meant to be funny. Is a reference to his “biscuits” funny? Is Deadpool propositioning She-Hulk and the Enchantress for a threesome funny? How about mentioning the word “speedos?” Is any of this meant to engender amusement on part of the reader? Or is just it the difference between comedy and pure base immaturity? And then I started really thinking about how, upon closer analysis, this is seriously just a straight-up re-telling of the first issue or two of Secret Wars with Deadpool on the sidelines, not influencing or directing the plot while every other “serious” character goes through the same motions. Deadpool yammers while dragging up Kang’s unconscious body? Nobody acknowledges him. Deadpool lazily refers to Storm as “that biker girl?” Nobody responds. Deadpool is literally whispering nonsense in Wolverine’s ear? No reaction. The only bits I halfway liked were the Absorbing Man unintentionally absorbing Deadpool’s hideous appearance along with his powers, and Deadpool telling the Lizard, “Watch it, scaly! This is the only set of clothes I brought! It’s not like there are machines around here that just magically create new costumes!”
So I started to wonder… is it me? Am I some kind of alien whose definition of humor is different than that of human society? Am I just absolutely not the target audience for this kind of thing, but which then leads to the question, who is? Is Deadpool’s only job in this comic to provide pointless, unfunny, and/or sarcastic commentary while all but telling the reader, “Hey, guys, I’ve read the same comics you have! Isn’t that great?” And then I thought, wait… pointless quibbling, metafictional awareness, lame not-jokes… is Deadpool supposed to be… a Marvel comics fan? Is he supposed to be a stand-in for the reader? Is Deadpool supposed to be me? Am I Deadpool???! …Which made me realize I was going way too far down the rabbit-hole, and I’m pretty sure I was devoting more thought to this comic than did any of its creators.
Anyway, what could have been a fun experiment ends up as nothing but a collection of tired, lazy gags that not even the characters themselves get worked up about. For an example of how to do this kind of thing right, please see one of my all-time favorite comics, Deadpool 11 from Joe Kelly’s run on the series, which I will continue to argue is the best Deadpool run that was unappreciated in its time. I don’t think anyone is nearly as capable of balancing action, pathos, and humor as Joe Kelly – his Deadpool was a psychopathic mercenary who was always trying to do right thing, even though at times he probably couldn’t have told you why he was bothering. In this issue, Deadpool is thrown back in time to the otherwise forgettable Amazing Spider-Man 47, with Pete Woods and inkers Al Milgrom and Joe Sinnott doing an incredible job of mimicking the style of John Romita’s original penciling. Trapped in the past with a busted teleporter, Deadpool’s only shot to make it back to the present is to use his holographic image inducer to pose as “bony college boy” Peter Parker, disguise Blind Al as Peter’s fainting-prone aunt May, track down the younger version of his science-genius sidekick Weasel, and not do too much damage to the timestream, while simultaneously fighting off Kraven the Hunter and trying not to make fun of Norman Osborn’s ridiculous hair. It is 100% amazing and you should all read that issue instead of devoting any more thought to Deadpool’s Secret Secret Wars.
Can We Talk About Avengers 218?
In the course of my occasional perusals of the Official Index to the Marvel Universe, I came across the entry for issue 218 of the Avengers, co-written by J.M. DeMatteis and Jim Shooter, and I knew from the synopsis that this issue called for a more thorough, in-depth analysis!
Our story begins on an ordinary quiet day at Avengers Mansion, when Jarvis opens the door to greet a precocious young lad who demands to meet with the Avengers on a matter of grave importance. Wasp happens by and offers to take the boy on a grand your, but sick of being patronized, he shoves his way past her and into the mansion to find the rest of the Avengers. Which brings us to this panel. I love this panel, I love everything about it. It’s so simple, yet so expressive, in that it tells such a wonderful story about an off-day in the lives of the Avengers. Thor, the immortal Norse god of thunder, son of All-Father Odin and wielder of the mighty Mjolnir, in full regalia, has been crouched down and holding up this doodad for the last, like, forty-five minutes, and e’en the vaunted patience of the Asgardians hath limitations, though verily it doth approach the edges of eternity itself. The Thing holding up a giant mechanical framistat for hours on end on behalf of Mr. Fantastic? Sure, of course, that’s what he’s there for. But Thor? Hilarious. Meanwhile, Captain America is so eager to get their team meeting underway that he has spent the last three hours working out his frustrations in the gym. This is fair enough for a guy like Captain America, but aside from the math not adding up here – perhaps we may safely assume that the inter-spatial monitor repair was but the last item on Iron Man’s extensive to-do list – but now, his patience at an end, he has resorted to leaning against the wall and staring at these two until their work is completed and they can finally get down to important Avengers business. I suppose he could bring these guys up to speed while they work, but they haven’t yet called the meeting to order, and the by-laws are there for a reason, you guys.
So once Little Timmy Trouble successfully infiltrates Avengers Mansion, we get a couple truly wonderful moments, like this one: I’m not 100% sure what’s supposed to be happening in this panel, but truly, who among us could reasonably expect to survive being spanked by the Norse god of thunder? (Of course, if Chris Hemsworth Thor was willing to participate in this study, I would report back to you, dear reader, with my findings.) But the very next panel, oh my god you guys, this is the one that just sets me all a-giggle. “Steeeeve… is this another one of your boys hanging around, getting underfoot? Avengers Mansion simply isn’t equipped to accommodate all of the foundlings you insist on bringing home, and poor Jarvis is absolutely at his wit’s end!” “No, no, I recognize all of my boys, Tony, and this little scamp isn’t one of them!” I just love that Captain America uses the phrase brought around. Sure, I suppose I could do some research on Captain America 267 as recommended by the footnote, but I don’t wanna. (Well. Maybe someday.) And so, when Iron Man asks the boy’s name to see if they can contact his parents, the boy instead reaches into his wee little jacket with an air of “calm uncertainty”(?), straight-up pulls out a revolver, and before the Avengers can do anything to stop him, he shoots himself in the head.
Dear reader, at this point, I would like to show you the eye-catching cover of this issue:
This is the cover of Avengers 218, released in April 1982, and I can only imagine that it stood out among the other offerings displayed on newsstands! I want you to think about how many adult professionals in the comic industry signed off on this issue, gave it their stamp of approval, and said, “Yeah okay, this looks good, let’s send it off to the printers.” This issue includes a full-page ad for Bubble-Yum bubble gum, and when one turns the page, literally the very next page, we get a five-year-old boy shooting himself in the head.
Anyway! Upon resurrecting from a wad of Silly-Putty — and thereby finally succeeding in grabbing the Avengers’ full attention — this child tells them his tragic tale. Formerly some dumb minor Captain America villain, “billionaire/inventor” Morgan MacNeil Hardy, he was reborn after his apparent demise, but with full memory of all his many lives, going back thousands of years. For lack of a better option, Captain America refers to him as “this… ‘Forever-Man,'” which, c’mon you guys, he’s from the ’40s, his name is Captain America, what does he know about cool super-names? Good ol’ Thor basically says he doesn’t see the problem, since he knows from firsthand experience that immortality is awesome, but the Forever-Man replies that yeah, it’d be awesome if you were a thunder god instead of just an endless succession of regular boring jerks, which I think is a valid point. (Though doesn’t it make this self-professed immortal’s earlier assertion that he wouldn’t “live through” Thor spanking him somewhat… peculiar?) So the Avengers run some tests, after which Iron Man has no problem referring to this kid as “a freak of nature” while he’s in the same room, and in the space of two pages, dear sweet Wasp goes from “the Avengers will do everything in their power to help you!” to “But who are we to provide him with a means of suicide?”, even though that is what he is literally demanding!
So what happens afterwards? Well, what else is a Forever-Man to do if Earth’s mightiest heroes cannot aid him in his plight? He sneaks out from Avengers Mansion under the cover of night, stows away on board a south-bound freight train, and uses his trusty revolver to fend off a pair of hobos with untoward intentions towards this young boy traveling alone, who, by the way, are drawn to resemble Laurel and Hardy(??????????). He then exploits his child-like appearance to bluff his way into a research base and on board a space probe headed toward the sun, in the hopes that he can take matters into his own hand and bring about his own demise… resulting in the following nightmarish ordeal.
You guys, let’s… let’s just take a moment here. Can you even wrap your head around the fact that this guy, this tragic immortal, stowed away on board a solar probe with no life support, continuing to suffocate and die and resurrect and suffocate and die and resurrect over and over again, for as many weeks as it takes to reach the sun? Oh and P.S. he’s in the body of a naked five-year-old boy??? That is DARK, sirs! They just don’t make ’em like this anymore, and there is probably a valid reason for that.
As much as I hate to admit it, the latter half of this issue is comparatively dull (in that it does not actively portray the Avengers as helpless to stop the repeated suicidal demise of a child). Once the Forever-Man reaches the sun, he is repeatedly obliterated and resurrected to the point where he becomes a deranged amnesiac giant sun-monster, then makes his way back to Earth to wreak vengeance upon the Avengers, even though he can’t remember why. A by-the-numbers superhero battle follows ensues, after which Thor summons a vortex to hurl the Forever-Man into orbit before it goes nova and explodes. The Avengers explore the resulting crater and find the young boy resurrected yet again, only this time, with no memory of who he is or how he came to be there. As the issue draws to a close and Iron Man wonders if this amnesia, if legitimate, might be a bit convenient, he and Captain America ponder the ramifications of what they’ve learned from this adventure. And I can only hope that they continue to wonder about it “for the rest of their days.” To this day, while Steve Rogers is passing down the mantle of Captain America to his longtime friend the Falcon, or pursing fugitive Avengers suspected of annihilating entire parallel Earths, or even fighting in an alien gladiatorial arena alongside his pal Devil Dinosaur, I hope he sometimes takes a moment to pause, reflect, and wonder about this day in which the Avengers encountered a little naked boy who just wanted to shoot himself in front of them when he wasn’t rampaging through the city as a giant sun-monster.
WHAT UP JERKS
GUESS WHO’S GOT HIS VERY OWN EXCLUSIVE ED LUCE WUVABLE OAF SKETCH VARIANT EDITION OF SECRET WARS #1
HERE’S A HINT: NOT YOU
BOOM