Sigh.  Okay, let’s… let’s go ahead and talk about All-New X-Men 40.

Brian Michael Bendis’ run on the X-Men titles has… not numbered among my favorites.  Without going into too much detail, I would consider Bendis’ strongest Marvel works to be Daredevil, Alias, and Ultimate Spider-Man.  You’ll notice that these three titles have something in common: focus on one main character, giving the reader abundant insight into this character’s thought processes as they interact with their supporting cast.  When it comes to team books, however, I feel like every issue written by Bendis devolves into a big yammery crowd scene, in which everybody yells “funny” things over and over, every character speaks in essentially the same voice, and it’s that much harder for all characters present to actually contribute to the story in any meaningful way.

Specifically, regarding his run on All-New X-Men, I have not enjoyed the introduction of the time-displaced Teen X-Men in the present day.  The word that keeps coming to mind is “irksome.”  It would have been fine for a single story arc, but they’ve all just continued to stick around, haven’t they?  From a story perspective, it makes me anxious, as most clearly demonstrated during the Battle of the Atom crossover: Teen Cyclops was near-fatally blasted by a Sentinel, and the timestream nearly tore itself asunder due to paradox.  But from a creative perspective, I feel it’s been a huge missed opportunity to really distinguish these characters from their modern-day counterparts.  What if the Teen X-Men were actually written like they were from the ’60s?  Can you imagine how much fun it would be if they just kept describing their powers out loud in abundant detail while they were using them, and the rest of the modern-day young X-Men just stared at them like they were foreign exchange students?  But I feel like that would’ve been too much effort; the only detail I recall liking was early on when Teen Cyclops was in a grocery store wondering, “Why is all the water bottled?  Did something happen to the water?”  Otherwise, they all just read like standard-issue Bendis characters.

Yes, the Teen X-Men served their intended purpose of facing the modern-day X-Men with their more youthful, idealistic selves.  It was an interesting story arc in keeping with the feel of the X-Men (though I might argue that Beast’s scientific expertise runs more towards the genetic than the trans-temporal).  Yes, the Teen X-Men’s time in the present has brought about changes to both their personalities and their powers, possibly irrevocably.  Nonetheless, I feel like that story has been told, and that having two Cyclops, two Icemans, etc. hanging around only serves to dilute the X-Men – for example, I cannot immediately recall when we last saw modern-day Angel after he encountered his young counterpart in All-New X-Men 8.  And some Teen X-Men stories can’t help but feel like retreads: did we need to have Teen Cyclops relegated to awkward eager-to-please son getting to know his long-lost space-pirate dad?  Did we need to have Teen Jean halfheartedly tried for her crimes as the Phoenix by the Shi’ar Empire?  Furthermore, why are these characters hogging so much of the spotlight?  If Bendis wanted to tell a story about idealistic teen mutants clashing with the dour mutant revolutionaries of the X-Men, why not focus on the VASTLY more interesting young recruits in Uncanny X-Men – characters that Bendis himself created?  Goldballs, Triage, and Benjamin Deeds (more on him in a sec) are only getting lost in the crowd, without getting a chance to really demonstrate their potential.

But I consoled myself with remembering a valuable lesson I’ve learned in my old age: comics are cyclical, and everything changes if you wait long enough, especially in this modern age of short creator attention spans.  (I still proudly own every issue of Chuck Austen’s run on the X-Men titles, because I knew that one day it would end, and that I would want to go back and remember everything we lived through.)  And so I was relieved when it was announced that Bendis would be wrapping up his run as of Uncanny X-Men 600, due out in May, and no issues of All-New X-Men have been solicited past issue 41.  I hoped that Bendis might not want anyone else playing with these toys after he was done with them, so perhaps my wish would come true and that Beast would face the consequences of his actions, the Teen X-Men would go away forever, and we wouldn’t have to think about them ever again.

And then Teen Iceman was outed as gay.  Welp, looks like the joke’s on me!

In this issue, all the Teen X-Men are relaxing after the events of Black Vortex.  Surprisingly enough, I think Magik is the real stand-out in this issue: she explains that she’s taking on mentorship of the Teen X-Men while Kitty stays in space, but while she’s treating them to lunch as a one-time deal – “You save the galaxy, you get a hamburger” – she is not responsible for feeding them, nor is she a taxi service.  Her character comes through crystal-clear, and I like that.  After she teleports away and Teen Iceman makes note of her hotness, Teen Jean pulls him aside and asks him why he keeps saying things like that, because they both know he’s gay.  She then argues the point with him until he comes around, and they have some cutesy girl-talk and end up huggin’ it out.  This is followed by a scene where Teen Angel – still cosmically-empowered by the Black Vortex – flies away with X-23 to declare that he luh-luh-loves her and they share a tender kiss on a mountaintop.  The last double-page spread introduces a ragtag band of mutants on the former X-Men headquarters of Utopia, whom I’m sure our heroes will encounter next month, but with only one issue left of the series, I’m expecting more of a perfunctory and uninspired fight scene than a saga of conflicting ideologies.  (P.S. Masque and Random, sure… Elixir, glad to see you’re not dead after all… but Karma?  Girl, what are you doing getting mixed up with these nutjobs?)

It seems a bit thin when summed up, doesn’t it?  Because when it comes down to it, not a whole lot actually happens in this comic.  As much as I like issues that take a break from events and crossovers to let our characters catch their breath, I did not like Teen Iceman, this character ostensibly from the ’60s, calling Jean a “nosy bitch.”  (Which she is, of course, no question.  Teen Jean’s #1 job has been to get a story rolling by 1) reading peoples’ minds without permission, 2) throwing a big ol’ melodramatic telekinetic hissyfit, and 3) repeat as needed.  I submit that this does not make for a likeable character.)  I did not like Bendis’ quirk of having his characters tell him how funny he is, as “Baby Tyke-lops” was not as hilarious as Teen Jean would have you believe.  I did not like going the easy sitcom-audience-laugh-track route with S.H.I.E.L.D. director Maria Hill repeatedly thunking her head against a control panel when she receives news of mutant hijinks.  But because my heart is not completely made of stone, I did like Teen Iceman snowing himself in the face with embarrassment, and I enjoy this panel for the sheer understated simplicity of it.  Teen Beast, you… you are okay in my book.

The thing of it is, believe it or not, there are already currently six gay X-Men: Northstar, Anole, Karma, Bling!, Graymalkin, and Benjamin Deeds.  If Brian Michael Bendis actually had anything of substance to say about homosexuality, I’m sure he would have been more than welcome to make use of any of these characters in order to say it.  WHICH HE DID.  Uncanny X-Men 14 was a breath of fresh air after the non-stop bickerfest that was Battle of the Atom, in that it focused on Emma Frost taking new student Benjamin Deeds under her wing; she singles him out because she expects he has more potential as an infiltrator than a combatant, thanks to his power to unconsciously shape-shift and mimic the features of whoever he’s talking to.  (As demonstrated by this awesome montage, not to mention this gorgeous cover.)  She takes him to Atlantic City to test out his powers, starting by telling him to go over there and seduce that lady:

“I don’t want to ask her out.”
“You’re not marrying her.”
“I’m gay.”
“I don’t care.  What does that have to do with this?”

And that’s it.  That’s all the attention they devote to Benjamin’s sexuality, and it’s perfect, because it was incidental to the main story.  Now, am I arguing that issues of sexuality have no place in comics such as X-Men?  Quite the contrary.  I just think when it comes to gay X-Men… it benefits from being handled with subtlety, like in Uncanny X-Men 14 (a true anomaly, since Bendis is usually about as subtle as a hammer).  On the other hand, speaking of the Chuck Austen run, Northstar joined the X-Men in Uncanny X-Men 414, which was a seriously strong issue handled with maturity, but still true to Northstar’s established character.  Unfortunately, immediately after Northstar joined the team, it felt like nobody really knew exactly what to do with him.  He developed a catty friendship with the school nurse, Annie, and an unrequired crush on (sigh) Iceman.  While it was nice to see for those of us readers who have been there ourselves, it was as if even among his fellow mutants in the X-Men, Northstar didn’t exactly fit in.  It’s awkward because mutant powers are a metaphor for the outsider, ostracized by a society that hates and fears you, and the metaphor applies just as well to race, religion, sexuality, nationality, planet of origin, artificial intelligence, and so on.  As such, I think that having a character declare their homosexuality doesn’t necessarily add anything to their character in and of itself (and it’s arguably newsworthy); unless the story is outright about the character’s sexuality – e.g., if Teen Iceman was actually going out on a date, or even actively crushing on somebody – maybe it would be better off just remaining as incidental to the story, rather than the focus thereof.

But to save this reveal until the second-to-last issue of the series?  My god, why?  The actual coming out is crafted well enough, with these two Bendis characters ostensibly wearing the labels of “Bobby” and “Jean” having a conversation as friends.  But what’s the point?  Teen Jean herself confirms Iceman is indeed heterosexual.  There haven’t been “hints,” it’s not an organic development for his character, it just leaves me frustrated and baffled.  I suppose a case could – and that’s big ol’ dancing neon capital letters COULD – be made that this is a holdover from the Black Vortex crossover, where Teen Iceman spent some time as some kind of stupid-looking cosmically-empowered samurai elf.  It adds nothing, and it only raises more questions than it answers, mostly about where this leaves poor modern-day Iceman, who didn’t ask for any of this baloney.  And don’t talk to me about Iceman not being good at dating ladies, he can’t help it if Kitty Pryde is being written to vacillate wildly between lovestruck schoolgirl and judgmental harpy.  (Not to mention poor Opal Tanaka getting all mixed up with those cyber-ninjas!)  I have no problem with Bendis writing all the yammery teen coming-out stories he wants.  I just have no idea why he elected to use these characters to tell it.

But for all this ado… no one knows what the landscape of the Marvel Universe will look like after Secret Wars.  Either the Teen X-Men will be sent back to their rightful point in the timestream – in which case this issue, and hopefully the last three years, can be dismissed as a curious sidebar to be puzzled over by historians at a later date – or it will be revealed that they’re from an “alternate past” or some such nonsense and they’ll stick around indefinitely.  And all told, I’m an X-Men fan who feels proprietary and protective towards these characters, and who might not necessarily view these particular X-Men stories as “my X-Men.”  So I guess all I can do for now is join everybody else in shrugging, staring vacantly into space, and just waiting to see what happens.

Captain America and the Mighty Avengers 7 – I hate to say it, but I think this issue… fell a little flat for me.  Make no mistake, Al Ewing can still do no wrong in my eyes, but for all the build-up from the last issue’s cliffhanger – where they acknowledged Warren Ellis’ Nextwave series as in-continuity in a big big way – Monica Rambeau didn’t get much opportunity to be the badass that we all know she is.  I did appreciate Al Ewing embracing Nextwave, since you could tell from the references that he had the issues right there on his desk next to him, right down to the title of the issue, “KICK ‘SPLODE!”  And I thought it was a particularly sinister touch to have the Beyond Corporation’s Jason Quantrell referencing the different types of entities from beyond, and he’s one of the kind that enjoys playing with little people like the toys they are: “It’s hard to believe, but we’re the friendly ones.  We just want to play.  Some of the others… they’ve got plans.”  But for all her need for vengeance, the only thing Monica did was hold Jason Quantrell long enough for the Blue Marvel’s long-lost son, “the first human being to exit the omniverse and make re-entry,” to descend from the neutral zone to take Quantrell back where he belonged.  I know, it’s not like a superhero can win in one-on-one fisticuffs against an omnipotent Beyonder, and the Blue Marvel acknowledged how impressive it was that she, one of the “little people,” managed to hold a cosmic being in place – “That was almost… biblical” – but not exactly dramatically satisfying, you know?  Still: solid superhero fun!  This title remains the best example of what I think an Avengers title should be – the perfect mix of cosmic-level superheroics and street-level crime-fighting adventure.

Doctor Who: Eleventh Doctor 11 – Delightful!  It moves the overall story forward, the “four dimensions” is a fun gimmick that works well for the comic medium, and there’s even a David Bowie reference I actually get.

Doctor Who: Tenth Doctor 9 – As fun as it was to see the Weeping Angels again, I feel like a four-issue storyline might be pushing it for a monthly comic. While the Eleventh series will probably remain foremost in my heart, this whole storyline was made worthwhile when the Doctor outwitted the Weeping Angels in just the best, cutest, most David Tennant-est way, wondering aloud why he hadn’t thought of it before!

Guardians 3000 6-7 – Toooooo manyyyyy characterrrrrssss… but at least they’re all in good hands with Dan Abnett on writing, so we can avoid Lewis Caroll-esque levels of nonsense in the primary GotG comics.  Notably adorable was the part with Rocket Raccoon and Nikki admiring each others’ tastes in heavy artillery.  Also the incredible depiction of Galactus in the year 3000 as some chipped, aged, hollow-eyed deity in a featureless black void with fragments of himself breaking off and floating into the ether, prepared to wrap himself in a cocoon of heavy gravity so he can ride out the end of the universe just like he did the last time.  So cool.  The sixth issue had a lot of the usual, “What do you mean you’re the Guardians of the Galaxy?  We’re the Guardians of the” et cetera et cetera, not to mention two Star-Lords whaaaaa???, but mercifully most of this was bypassed in issue 7 thanks to Starhawk mind-linking both teams and getting everyone up to speed.

Legendary Star-Lord 11 – New addition to the Black Vortex drinking game: take a drink every time someone uses the phrase “not my jam!”  In which case you would have taken… four drinks.  But yeah, so… the entire population of Spartax is encased in amber thanks to poor dumb easily-manipulated Thane.  To make matters worse, J’son has unleashed a whole planet-wide swarm of modified Brood “infestoids” that are currently burrowing through the amber to get to each individual’s brains, at which point they will lay their eggs, which will result in a universal scourge of Brood that will wipe out all life as we know it.  So Teen Jean attempts to use the Black Vortex to become a supremely powerful whatever, but thankfully everyone else rightly points out that that particular cure would be worse than the disease, so they talk her down.  Star-Lord gallantly gazes into the Black Vortex but beholds that he would become, yea, e’en unto the mightiest of douchebags, after which he delivers a ridiculous melodramatic to speech to Kitty Pryde that he can’t go through with it, because he’s trying to be a better man… for her!  Which means there’s nothing left but for Kitty herself to Black Vortex up and, I can only assume, use her amped-up phasing powers to save the world. It’s nice that this swerved away from becoming yet another Phoenix story, but by the same token, I can only hope that Kitty nobly sacrifices herself and dies at the end, if only to add some consequence to this overlong inconsequential story about space-weirdos.

Letter 44 15 – Haha, that last page!  Classic sci-fi.  It’s good to have this series back.

Loki: Agent of Asgard 13 – Oh boy, yet another version of Loki. Man, I don’t know what I wanted out of this series, but it is not scratching my itch – too much Asgardian mythos, not enough mischief.  I guess it’s a fine character study on Loki and all his many iterations, so it’s through no fault of the story itself, but Al Ewing aside, I think I may just have to break up with this series.

Magneto 17 – Magneto confronts the ghost of Hitzig, this Nazi that tormented Magneto during his concentration camp days, as Hitzig keeps murdering mutants in these weird Genoshan refugee camps… though why any mutants would volunteer to live among these ruins hasn’t exactly been made clear.  I love that Magneto is now in charge of the latest batch of Marauder clones, but it feels like they have yet to really do anything; the majority of the team just stands around in the ubiquitous Genoshan rubble as they fruitlessly search for the murderer, though I did like Arclight attempting to get a rise out of Magneto’s new bunkmate Briar Raleigh, to which Briar asks if she’s jealous.  Gabriel Hernandez Walta’s art definitely gets a chance to shine with Hitzig’s shark-teeth and black eye sockets and, like, flailing blood-tentacles!  Then they bust out the ol’ trope that Hitzig isn’t a ghost, but a distorted memory inadvertently pulled from Magneto’s psyche and given form by an innocent young mutant with the power to do that thing, and she doesn’t know how to stop.  I guess it never occurred to Hitzig that if faced with the “impossible” choice of killing one innocent mutant to save many mutants, Magneto is probably the character who would have the least difficulty in carrying that out, and so he does.

Ms. Marvel 14 – I appreciated circling back on Kamala’s fight with villainous Inhuman (sigh) “Kaboom,” exploring Kamala’s twinge of remorse over just slappin’ her around with her cartoonishly large fists.  That was a nice touch, as was jumping out of the window and ballooning up her feet to absorb the impact!  But as is the curse of three-part storylines, I do think flipping Kamran’s switch from “charming” to “sinister” was a bit abrupt.  But I think the best scene of this issue was Kamala’s brother and Bruno having their heart-to-heart, explaining that they think Bruno is a very nice boy, but Kamala’s parents are just trying to help her preserve her heritage.  You can definitely see where all parties are coming from, so that’s nice, it’s just nice.

Spider-Man and the X-Men 5 – Oh my god am I ever going to miss this series.  It’s so over-the-top and indulgently silly but it all… just… works.  I’m speaking, of course, of Beast and Spider-Man angrily comparing notes about each other’s ridiculous enemies – “despite clearly being parasitic” hit me just right!  I still love that every character has something to do, but the unexpected star of the show was yet again Glob Herman, saving the day to disprove everyone’s constant assertions that he must totally be the mole.  That panel with his thumbs-up… absolutely perfect.  Thank god for you, Elliott Kalan.  Please keep writing comics.

Squarriors 2 – Hee-hee!  The cat leader is wearing a jaunty makeshift crown of tiny ribcages!

Thor 7 – Oh my god, that scene on the moon, I feel like Thor is either 100% obviously Roz Solomon no question, or, more likely, Jason Aaron is gearing up for a massive mind-blowing fake-out and I seriously have no other potential candidates in mind. As much as I still do not care about seeing the Serpent again, the fight scene between Thor and the Destroyer was pretty bone-crunchingly powerful, giving Mjolnir a gentle kiss was great, and man, can we spend a minute or two just basking in the glow of that gorgeous page with Malekith and Dario Agger tearing into those light elves?

Uncanny X-Men 33 – Man, maybe it’s the magic of lowered expectations, but I would call this two solid Bendis comics in a row for this series. For one thing, Kris Anka art! For another, it focused on two X-Men, not a ridiculous yammery crowd scene! In this story, Magik teleports away with Kitty and tells her that whenever the X-Men start squabbling amongst themselves, she takes it upon herself to teleport away with a mini-Cerebro unit and rescue a young mutant in need somewhere in the world, which I think is both plausible and adorable. CBR raised some valid points about these two characters not really having any conflicts to resolve, but I nonetheless thought it was nice to see these two longtime friends hanging out, talking like people, and rescuing a cute little mutant girl who was abandoned by her father on Monster Island. (Darling husband: “’Monster Island?’” “It’s pretty much just what it sounds like.”) There were some cute details, like Magik fighting monsters with her soulsword while Kitty just stands there intangible and lets the monsters take ineffectual swipes at her… and Kitty makes a joke about Magik being a spooky demon sorceress, and Magik says that she actually hurts her when she makes jokes like that, and then Kitty’s all awkward. It’s dumb, but it’s a simple one-issue story with action beats and character moments, and the art is beautiful. And with All-New X-Men in mind, we know it coulda been a lot worse!

Wolverines 14 – Huh! When Mystique’s cryptic notes said “Portal will be essential,” I didn’t know she was literally referring to Portal from Darkhawk. (Did you know he also made a relatively recent reappearance during Marvel Zombies as head of A.R.M.O.R., the alternate reality division of S.H.I.E.L.D.?) I do appreciate Charles Soule’s willingness to re-appropriate forgotten nineties characters, a la Nightwatch! I should ask if he’d be willing to do something with Adam X the X-Treme – I mean, seriously, if there were any series in which he’d fit right in, it’s this one!

BaCk IsSuE cOrNeR

Captain Universe and the X-Men: Sleeping Giants – Even in this Internet age, there was one comic that to date eluded me, but I’ve finally managed to snag a copy! It was this promotional offer that ran in 1994 where you, yes you, could have your name included in a Marvel comic as the latest recipient of the power of Captain Universe! I know what you’re wondering – my god, Cody, did you have better things to do in 1994 than procuring your own? But I guess the opportunity just passed me by, to my lasting regret! I thought this story had been re-issued as a one-shot with some generic name, but it looks like this was one of the original limited run of 94, belonging to one Mark F_____ of Middletown, USA! It opens with a personal letter to Mark from Stan Lee himself, the included Captain Universe trading card(!) has Mark’s name, and even the ads are personalized to Mark directly! What has become of you, Mark, that you would part with such a personalized treasure?

The story, of course, is pretty mediocre – a hapless mutant dude named “Roger Fieldston” is inadvertently turning passersby into grotesque monsters through casual contact, and it’s up to the X-Men and Captain Universe to put a stop to it. All the animated-series-era X-Men behave true to character:

Rogue: “That sure looks like a mutant o’ some sort t’me! And it looks t’be in a real bad way!”
Jubilee: “Nothin’ that a new ‘do couldn’t cure, Rogue.”
Wolverine: “I’ll give it a haircut it won’t forget, Jubilee!”
Rogue: “Don’t pop those claws yet, Wolverine!”

And so on in that fashion. But there is one panel I particularly enjoyed wherein Captain Universe neutralized the threat of this dangerous new mutant thanks to his power of backin’ that thang up.

I just thought this acquisition was a bit timely because despite two waves of comic ads, it looks like the over-hyped “Zing Revolution” at crashthecomics.com is finally defunct, so I fear I may never be able to fulfill my humble dream of putting my husband’s face on the Hulk’s body in a pseudo-canonical licensed Marvel comic.