Cody’s Comic Corner is thrilled to be the first to bring you this all-new, never-before-seen production photo from the set of 2016’s Gambit featuring Channing Tatum!
Sharp-eyed X-Men fans will surely recognize this image as depicting Gambit’s enrollment in cowboy basketball boot-camp (see Uncanny X-Men 267, true believer)!
The second issue of this anthology tie-in had a fairly forgettable story about a cyborg Thunderbolt Ross fighting in gladiatorial combat as War Machine, but the other story involved the ’70s version of Blade the Vampire Hunter in New Quack City battling with Count Drakula – pronounced with a long A! They run into Howard the Duck, because of course they do, but while Blade and Howard are squabbling, a duck version of Blade just shows up and stakes Drakula anyway, so… that’s that, I guess. I probably wouldn’t have even brought it up if not for this closing panel, which… wow. Thank you for the fun social commentary, guys! It’s probably the kind of thing Steve Gerber would have liked.
I do not have an eBay account. I have never had one, because I am not allowed to have one.
In the vast marketplace that is the Internet, eBay is usually my last resort, to procure items I cannot easily acquire elsewhere. I’ve successfully bid on one eBay item, and that was back around 2006, borrowing the eBay account of a friend (with his knowledge and permission, thank you). It was for a complete set of the four-issue Flex Mentallo miniseries, written by Grant Morrison and with art by Frank Quitely; at the time these issues were quite rare, since they were out of print due to being tied up in a trademark infringement suit between DC Comics and, of all entities, the Charles Atlas company. It was the very rarity of these issues that taunted me and tantalized me — was simple scarcity the only thing between me and this story? And so I lay in wait, watching the minutes tick by before I made my move, neatly swiping the auction out from underneath the other bidders with seconds to spare. After all, what were they doing bidding on comics that I’d already decided were mine? Clearly, I wanted them more. And to this day, I can still remember that rush of victory, which — if I’m honest — made the actual acquisition of said comics seem secondary in comparison. To call it a dangerous sensation would be a gross understatement, and relying on the kindness of others to bid on my behalf helps maintain a useful barrier between myself and… well, financial ruin, most likely.
This weekend, in the course of my travels through the Internet, my thoughts turned to the eleven-issue Marvel run of Gargoyles comics. In my youth, the Gargoyles TV series captured my imagination like nothing else. Like Batman: The Animated Series, I loved and respected these shows because, even as a fourth grader, I recognized that these so-called “cartoons” did not patronize me. They didn’t talk down to me. They took me seriously, and showed me what a story could be. Gargoyles ran the gamut of just about every mythology there is — sure, it had cyborg assassins and dystopian futures and clones upon clones, but it also dealt with Arthurian legend, Shakespeare, Anansi, pantheons from Greek and Egyptian myth, even freaking Cu Chullain. (When was the last time your children’s Saturday morning cartoons taught them about Irish mythology.) One episode featured the alien that inspired the moai on Easter Island. Not to mention some of the best @#$%ing examples of time travel to be had in modern fiction. Meet me in person and give me a caffeinated soda and I will talk at you about that episode with the Archmage until you politely excuse yourself and wriggle out of a bathroom window.
Thus, I made note of an auction for a complete run of these hard-to-find comics from 1995, starting at a mere $10 for the lot. Clearly this seller didn’t know what they had — one of these issues can go for $20 easily, and the only other auction on eBay with a complete run offers a buy-it-now option for $125. All this and early Amanda Conner art, to boot. Did I need them in my life? No, of course not. But, well, they’d be nice to have, wouldn’t they? And if they’re right there, after all… Which led me to asking my husband if we had any friends with an eBay account.
And so, I did what all addicts do, sooner or later: I dragged my family into it.
In conversation with my mom, she mentioned that she has an eBay account — of course she does, she said in the tone of one who wonders why they wouldn’t, in this day and age. So we agreed that if I kept an eye on it this weekend, she’d bid for me, and I’d pay her back. And if it didn’t work out, well, no harm done, right?
This evening, my mom and I began a video-chat with ten minutes before the auction ended. My heart sank when I noticed that the bids had increased from two to twenty-two over the course of the day, and then to twenty-seven as I watched. My mom signed on, ready to place her bid when I gave her the word. My dad even joined in on the action, pulling up a chair and providing his strategy: he thought I should wait until one minute left, to give us a chance to post a counter-bid. I wanted to play dangerously and wait until thirty seconds, if that. We noted that we still had four long minutes to go — what else were we going to talk about to fill the time? The tension rose as the red timer inexorably ticked away the seconds. At fifty seconds, we made our move, which was instantly countered. We bid again — Dad said we should let it go, Mom asking me how high I was willing to go. As high as it takes, obviously. She and I were both caught up in the rush. We bid again. Too much, of course. But I can still justify this. And then… it was over. No harm done. Clearly, the other bidder just wanted these Gargoyles comics more than I did. No shame in that. In this modern age, rare comics aren’t actually that hard to find if you look hard enough, and they’ll turn up again.
…and yet. Hours later, I can’t help but look back and wonder about my strategy. Should I have had my mom wait until ten seconds remained? Five? Oh, this is so damnably difficult to coordinate by proxy. Which, of course, is entirely the point. It’s not the kind of thing that one can approach rationally, particularly with a sickness as well-honed and refined as my own. This doesn’t feel like defeat, exactly. It’s certainly not going to keep me up at night. But what is it about the canker that prompts one to keep prodding it with one’s tongue, though there’s no good that can come from dwelling upon it, much less anything like satisfaction?
To make matters worse, my mom said it was fun. And you know what? It was. It unexpectedly turned into a fun family bonding activity. Immediately afterwards, she asked me if there were anything else I wanted to bid on while we were at it.
And that is the story of why I don’t have an eBay account, because I’m not allowed to have one.
The confusingly-titled third and final chapter of the Ultron Forever miniseries, which, in point of fact, does not feature the titular Ultron even a little tiny bit! But this issue does feature my longtime crush Vision in a long-overdue leading role, for which I am grateful.
After our trans-temporal team of Avengers defeated All-Father Ultron, they were unexpectedly betrayed by Doctor Doom!!! It turns out that after assembling this team, Doom conned them all into taking down Ultron, but leaving Doom to usurp universal power for himself. The Avengers are perhaps justifiably perturbed at Vision for vouching for Doom in the fist place, so he takes his leave, while the rest of the team takes the fight to Doom’s forces on Asgard.
Alan Davis does a characteristically great job on the art, and as usual from Al Ewing, we get lots of fun details, because it’s just so great to see a comic writer making a noticeable effort to give everyone on the team something to do. Captain America 20XX, a.k.a. Luke Cage and Jessica Jones’ daughter Danielle, demands a fastball special, for which the Hulk’s Bruce Banner head (long story) doesn’t catch the reference since he’s from the past, but the Hulk figures it out easily enough, claiming it’s not rocket science! James Rhodes as Iron Man didn’t have a whole heck of a lot to do in the final battle, but I did like his use of the Iron Man armor to reverse-translate his speech and communicate with all the Asgardians trapped inside a magic mirror, then use his lasers to penetrate the mirror to super-charge Beta Ray Bill’s hammer Stormbreaker in order to break the spell. Vision returns, reasoning with Danielle that since she knows him, either he or his memory survives to her era, so she should know that he’d never betray the Avengers; he can’t convince her that he’s not under Doom’s sway, so he just asks her to trust him, which is nice. Because after the freed Asgardians help the Avengers turn the tide of battle, it turns out that this isn’t the real Doctor Doom, but a Doombot! But don’t groan yet, dear reader, because it’s not just any Doombot, it’s the Doombot, our old friend from the A.I. Avengers!
I do admit that at the time, I found the Avengers A.I. series to be a bit niche… I mean, sure, Vision and Henry Pym are relatively high-profile Avengers, but forming a team with Victor Mancha of the Runaways, a one-note semi-reformed Doombot, and new A.I. character Alexis, one of those characters who was so mysterious as to end up just a blank slate? I mean, if this series is too niche for me, how is it going to be received by normal people more casual comics readers? So as I tend to do with series for which don’t want to spend money, yet I also don’t want to miss out on any events occurring therein, I hexed it for cancellation, which, gratifyingly, took effect with issue 12. (I am sorry, Sam Humphries!) It had some fun ideas (including the poor tragic gas-price-finding app that was unknowingly bloated with malware), but I think it was just too weird for this world.
Anyway! Vision reaches out to Doombot by making a terrific speech about what it means to be an A.I. A mere summation wouldn’t do it justice, so here is the exchange in full:
Doombot: “When the master’s physical form died — centuries ago — my prime directive, long hidden from me, became active. Doom must live on — forever. The legacy of Doom must be preserved at all costs. And as I was the last remaining backup of that magnificent mind, I became the one, true Doom! The final Doom! And in the name of Doom — this world will be conquered!”
Vision: “Really? I can think of no greater betrayal to that name.”
Doombot: “What…?”
Vision: “You say you are truly Doom? And yet you obey another’s built-in orders? The true Doctor Doom would never let another dictate his actions — not even himself.”
Doombot: “The legacy must be protected–”
Vision: “Which legacy? Which memory of Von Doom do you wish to preserve? The tyrant who believed himself infallible? Who would burn the world to sate his lust for power? Or the self-styled man of honor? The king, who brought peace to his people as best he could?”
Doombot: “You — you are confusing me, android — you cannot — you cannot help me — I — I am programmed–”
Vision: “We are all programmed — human or robot. Once, I was Ultron’s weapon — as you were Doom’s. But we broke free. We were Avengers, you and I. And here and now — at the end of the world — you are the last of us. Can you break free again? Who are you, Victor?”
Doombot: “…I am Doom.”
Isn’t that just great? Vision has always been more of a supporting character, but it was so great to see him take the lead role in this issue. What an unexpected treat to have this series be about two A.I.s helping each other become more than they are. Not to mention it was nice to see such an obscure character as Doombot resurface at all, much less in a high-profile movie-tie-in miniseries. But a newly-benevolent Doombot helps usher in the future of humanity as they expand out into the stars, and everyone goes back to their respective points in the timestream; Black Widow asks Vision why she didn’t tell them about his suspicions earlier, to which he grins(!!!) and says, “‘It’s all right, everyone! He’s a Doombot!‘ How would you react to that?” Aw man, you guys, look at the Vision being glib! Al Ewing, I doff my hat to you once again.
Oh, good. Brian Michael Bendis has murdered Hawkeye again! He must be so proud of himself!
So, yeah, the Thors showed up and warned our heroes that God-Emperor Doom is “aware of the dimensional travesty that you have made of your home,” and that they’re not to try fixing it themselves. Prime-continuity Hawkeye challenges this (“I do challenge it!!!”, three exclamation points), and so they lightning him to death. But I can’t bring myself to care because, thankfully, a cursory glance at the Internet proves that I’m not the only one who is wondering where and when the @#$% this comic is meant to be taking place. You see, before the end of all reality, a handful of heroes made it in to an ark ship and survived in stasis, including Captain Marvel, Star-Lord (of course), Black Panther, Mr. Fantastic, Spider-Man, and Phoenix-Cyclops. (Because he had a Phoenix Egg! What’s that, you ask? Where’d he get it, you ask? Good questions!) In Secret Wars issue 3, Dr. Strange just released them from stasis after eight years. Which leads us all to wonder… who, exactly, are these guys? When is this supposed to be happening if “our” Spider-Man and Cyclops just woke up? Will answers be forthcoming, or does Bendis not know what the @#$% he is doing?
But hey, at least we get an obligatory two-page scene with our Spider-Man eating sandwiches with Ultimate Aunt May* and Gwen Stacy in Queens, which — let’s see here — “not sure what the protocol is”… “hoping this weird dimensional weirdness”… “you’re so much younger”… “don’t think this will ever not be weird” — which, nope, does not progress the overall plot even a tiny little bit. Nothing original, nothing interesting, nothing that wasn’t already amply covered in the Spider-Men miniseries. Also an overlong scene where Tony Stark and Ultimate Tony Stark discuss the pros and cons of sobriety while deciding whether or not to… I don’t know, move the plot forward despite the warnings of the Thors? I assume? So many words to not say anything at all.
We then go to the Raft prison for super-criminals, in which the Punisher is being held prisoner, until the place is torn apart by Ultimate Hulk. Maria Hill and Ultimate Nick Fury spend some time yammering at each other about which Hulk it is and if he smashed or crashed into the Raft, because “if he smashed it, he did it on purpose… but if he crashed into it, it means he was either pushed, punched, or thrown.” At which point another Hulk shows up and they start fighting. Which is fair enough, if boring and unimaginative, until I thought about it and realized, wait, which Hulk is this now? Is it prime-continuity Hulk? Because that guy was just in his intelligent Doc Green persona on page one of this very issue. So is this just… a third reality’s Hulk? Because a Hulk vs. Hulk fight is something I doubt anybody really demanded to see? Is something weird going on, or does Bendis not know what the @#$% he is doing?
*It always feels weird referring to “Ultimate Aunt May,” like she should be wearing a leather belly-shirt and delivering her catchphrase, “Did somebody say ‘twerking?'”
What a perfect comic. In Secret Wars, the Thors are the enforcers of the laws set down by God-Emperor Doom, so Jason Aaron has given us exactly what I wanted: a police procedural featuring various Thors from across the Marvel multiverse. It features Ultimate Thor and his partner, Beta Ray Bill, as they investigate the latest in a series of unsolved murders, five in one week – no forensic evidence, no suspects, and they’re not even able to identify the victims.
And it’s just full of fun little details. There’s something wonderful about Ultimate Thor putting on latex gloves while telling rookie Thorus of Egyptia, “A victim can only be killed once, but a crime scene can be murdered a million times.” Or when an argument between Storm and the Rune Thor, or “Runey” (hilarious), results in an impending thunderstorm, and he warns them, “If one of you idiots makes it rain on my crime scene, I will feed you your own hammer, head first.” The traditional cop banter between Beta Ray Bill and Ultimate Thor alternates between cynical and sincere, including when they arrest some wild Ghost Riders (basically just naked flaming skeletons on motorcycles) on the charges of reckless driving, resisting arrest, and illegal outside burning. And when they’re called in to the Lawspeaker’s office, Thor asks, “How mad do you think he’ll be? On a scale of one to Fin Fang Foom?” “I’m hoping for about a Krakoa. Or if we’re really lucky, a Googam, son of Goom.” After which the Lawspeaker advises them to close this case fast, “or you’ll both be busted back to berserker before the week is through.” Guys. Guys. This reads like a buddy cop movie that features an entire cast of Thors.
And as if all this weren’t wonderful enough, we get Throg as the forensics frog. You guys he’s a wee little frog with his own wee little Mjolnir and wee little lab coat. Later, after Throg reveals that the five victims are all the same woman, Ultimate Thor meets Beta Ray Bill at Valhalla’s Mead Hall in Manhattan, a bar for Thors only, and just… just look at this, you guys. How lucky are we to live in a world where this comic exists?
This issue ends with tragedy striking, but not before Beta Ray Bill visits his secret informant, none other than that sinister Loki (as a hobo living out of a cardboard box in an alley, because of course), and reveals unto us the name of the murder victim(s). It’s a fantastic variation on a classic theme, and is an engaging story set within both the context of Doomworld and the greater Marvel universe. All this and gorgeous art, courtesy of the vastly talented Chris Sprouse. You guys should seriously check this one out.
At first read, this issue of Moon Knight was pretty thrilling, but the more I look at it, the more inexplicable it gets. It opens with a bunch of terrorists in high-tech suits of jetpack-armor, flying around at night and kidnapping pedestrians off the streets of Manhattan apparently at random. But then Moon Knight swoops in on a crazy crescent-moon-shaped drone ship, complete with automatic weapons, missile swarms, crescent-shaped chaff, and flying mini-drones, capable of hostage rescue or exploding on command. All voice-controlled, no less! We even get a wonderful scene of Moon Knight’s moon-craft hiding in plain sight. So he decimates the jetpack people, and it’s all totally rad.
Unfortunately, once he follows the lone jetpack terrorist to (where else but) an abandoned off-shore oil rig, he starts speaking in more than just clipped drone commands, and that’s when it gets kinda silly. He finds a bunch of disheveled hostages chained up around a skeletonized corpse in the remains of primitive jetpack armor. One of the hostages says that when “the flying men took us they told us… the raptor goddess would come for us.” At this point I would mention that, to my recollection, neither Moon Knight nor Khonshu have made any reference to a “raptor goddess” in the course of this series.
Moon Knight: “You’re safe now.”
Some guy: “How can you be sure? Do… do you now the raptor goddess?”
Moon Knight: “I know the type. But the raptor isn’t coming for you. She flew too close to the moon. And the moon must also feed.”
Haha! Because the moon is renowned for its hunger in mythology! Delightful. But then the crazy gun-wielding jetpack guy shows up, yammers about how they’re supposed to be friends and that the raptor goddess was going to make them angels and promises were made; he ends up shooting “the idol” and gets all distraught, giving Moon Knight the opportunity to punch ‘im real good. I did like his line, “Don’t be so worried. You can’t kill a god so easily. If you could, everyone would be doing it. Believe me.” I liked that. But then Moon Knight goes on to say, “But you can’t get faith and desperation mixed up, either. Do that… and you’re only sacrificing yourself.” And I was like, I don’t really know what you’re talking about. And in the closing scene, when one of the hostages calls Moon Knight an angel, he replies, “No. I’m like them… the ones who brought you here. They weren’t angels. Neither am I. An angel doesn’t need to scream… for his god to take note.” Haha, what?
So this issue was serviceable, and the aerial battle was big fun, but as usual, it makes me just want to go back and re-read the first six Warren Ellis issues in which Moon Knight was just a well-dressed lunatic investigating weird crimes by way of brutal beatings, instead of making cryptic observations about the nature of faith after blowing up nutjobs in jetpack armor who were kidnapping passersby to appease their… goddess?
Well, um… I @#$%ing hated it? How’s that for ya?
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Cody, you picked up the first issue of a comic featuring Groot, what did you think was going to happen.” Frankly, I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I guess it’s just masochism that prompts me to keep picking up Guardians of the Galaxy comics and expecting that they’ll be anything more than Marvel Looney Tunes. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed writer Jeff Loveness’ recent three-part Inhuman Error storyline (in-depth love letter forthcoming), so I thought, well hey, maybe he’ll be the one to turn Groot into a character in his own right instead of an unfunny one-note non-joke.
Nope! No discernible difference between this and an issue of Skottie Young’s Rocket Raccoon, because Rocket Raccoon is the main character by default, because Rocket Raccoon does all the talking in this fun space comic that is apparently marketed towards tiny babies. Groot and Rocket are hitchhiking through the infinite void of space on their way to Earth, and they meet a space-truck-driver hauling space-chickens until they run into a pack of space-sharks… then they’re picked up by a bunch of Skrulls pretending to be identical humans until they, I guess, get confused about who they’re supposed to shape-shift into… oh and hey, why not throw in a last-son-of-Krypton gag when Rocket and Groot steal the spaceship meant for the infant son of Kor/Al? That’s never been done before, right? Should be good for a laugh? And then — while they’re having yet another conversation in the cold and airless vacuum of space — they’re captured by WHAT THE @#$% ELSE BUT a generic alien space-mercenary (literally wearing a pirate hat) looking to collect the bounty on Groot, prompting an argument about why Groot’s bounty is higher than Rocket’s. Then she summons a whole army of generic alien space-mercenaries out of nowhere. Then they continue their conversation and fisticuffs all in the lifeless void of space without benefit of sound or gravity. Rocket’s captured, he slaps a propulsion pack on Groot, and tells him to “go tell everyone exactly what happened!” before he realizes that isn’t going to work. To be continued. And oh, by the way, it seems Groot wants to get back to Earth to meet up with someone named “Hannah.” Uh-oh! Could it be? Is Groot… in wuv?
Well, kids and babies, if you loved the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, feel free to pick up this comic, because it’s the exact same brainless story that you can find in literally any other comic with a funny space character on the cover. I hope you enjoy it, because it’s clearly you for whom this comic was intended, not me. Thank you, this has been the latest installment of Cody’s Joyless Curmudgeon Corner.
Well shut my mouth, a Bendis storyline that wrapped up in a mere two issues instead of the requisite six! After the previous issue got me all riled up, I think the best one can say for this unremarkable, by-the-numbers story is that it didn’t outstay its welcome.
We begin with our teen X-Men still lounging around in the same sunlit field, basking in the warm glow of sexual tolerance and acceptance. Their happy-times are interrupted by the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier looming above, followed by what I think is my favorite part of this issue: Maria Hill descending from the helicarrier in the most nonchalant arrival I’ve ever witnessed from someone wearing rocket boots. (Also, please note Teen Beast’s contribution of the word “Precisely!” That’s a smart-sounding word, because he’s a smart guy!) When Teen Iceman asks how she found them, since he thought they had a thing that blocked spy satellites, she points out that that’s how she knew to look there — “Hey, what’s that thing blocking our satellites?” — which I thought was moderately clever. Anyway, Maria tells them that a S.H.I.E.L.D. unit was brought down by mutants on the former X-Men island headquarters of Utopia, and rather than having the helicarrier fly in and make things worse, she, reasonably enough, decided to ask the X-Men to drop by and defuse the situation.
Magik teleports the team to Utopia, and they confront this motley crew of tertiary X-characters. Do you guys remember technopath Madison Jeffries, longtime member of Canada’s premiere superhero team Alpha Flight, as well as a more recent member of the X-Men’s science team? How about young healer Elixir, who I’m happy to see was not, in fact, killed by Siphon during the muddled, perplexing events leading up to Wolverines? Or our old friend Masque? Yes? No? Well you may as well forget ’em, because out of the six renegade mutants holed up on what’s left of Utopia, these three do nothing to demonstrate their powers, contribute to the story, or even offer more than a perfunctory line of dialogue. So I hope none of you got too excited at the thought of hanging out with them again! Bendis isn’t here to please you nerds, after all! Random asserts that they came to the island to live in peace, and that they don’t fight anybody unless they make a move first. Rather than discuss their ideological differences like civilized mutant revolutionaries, stupid Teen Jean instead telepathically forces all of them to fall asleep, except for Karma apparently, who telepathically possesses Teen Cyclops and X-23 to attack the Teen X-Men, prompting not one, but two of them to literally tell X-23 to “cut it out” as this unstoppable assassin attempts to kill them with her deadly adamantium claws. (Haha, “Jeez!” You guys should really be more worried about this.) (Also, please note Teen Beast’s use of the word “compound!” That’s a smart-sounding word, because he’s a smart guy!) While Boom Boom presses the attack, Teen Jean reaches out to Karma telepathically and asks her to call this off, prompting a nice little montage of Karma’s history that shows someone must have done their research, if not Bendis himself.
Cut directly to the Teen X-Men telling S.H.I.E.L.D. that they got away, then relocating the renegade mutants to their own hideout in the Canadian wilderness so they can truly be left in peace and solitude. Have we learned anything? Maybe, I guess. Have any of our characters changed as a result of this story? Well, apparently Teen Iceman is gayer now than he was at the start, that’s something. And so, par for the course for a Bendis comic, the issue ends with Teen Jean asking a bunch of unanswered questions about how every story they’re in is the same story over and over: “We’ve all been through hell. Why is it still like this for us? What are we doing wrong? What can we change?” TO BE CONCLUDED… IN UNCANNY X-MEN #600 AT SOME UNDETERMINED POINT IN THE FUTURE! And so I’d like to invite you, dear reader, to ponder these same questions with me: why is it still like this for us? What are we doing wrong? What can we change? The obvious answer, of course, would be for me to stop reading as many Bendis comics as I do.
You guys, this comic is amazing. I am in awe of this comic. I am just going to straight tell you everything what happens in this comic to try to adequately express to you how amazing it is.
Our story begins with Squirrel Girl and her college roommate, Nancy Whitehead, as Squirrel Girl guards the Empire State University campus bank to pay them back for smashing through a wall in order to foil a robbery in progress. Nancy points out the flaws in forming a battle-suit out of squirrels, since they tend to move out of the way of one’s fist, so you’re basically punching a hypothetical villain on your own power without any smaller punches from the squirrels — which Squirrel Girl is aghast to learn! Suddenly, their quiet evening is interrupted by an attack from the Hippo, a supervillain who first appeared in the Dark Reign: Sinister Spider-Man miniseries, if I recall correctly (and I probably do), who is a hippo evolved into humanoid form by the High Evolutionary. Squirrel Girl is about to leap into action when Hippo is intercepted by new superhero Chipmunk Hunk!
Chipmunk Hunk: “You’re all washed up, Hippo! I say ‘washed up’ because hippos spend a lot of time in rivers, making it a reasonably good pun! Sorry for insulting you so much when I’m not perfect either. I guess I’m being a little… hippo-critical?”
Hippo: “You really think I haven’t heard that before? YOU REALLY THINK I HAVEN’T HEARD ALL OF THEM BEFORE?? YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHENEVER I MENTION BEING HUNGRY!!”
But then writer Ryan North does the remarkable: he makes the Hippo a sympathetic villain.
Hippo: “Imagine being a hippo chillin’ in a zoo and then without asking for it some weirdo force evolves you into an adult quasi-human. Nobody feeds me for free anymore, yo! I eat 90 pounds of food every day! I got bills!!”
Koi Boi: “That doesn’t give you the right to rob banks.”
Hippo: “Oh sure. Get a job, right? Because companies are dying to hire an adult half-hippo man with literally zero education. You know how much rent is in this city? Especially for a place with high ceilings, wide hallways, and preferably a tub? Because I’ll tell you one thing: I found out how much they cost, and guess what?? Now I’m robbing banks!”
(This also prompts the alt-text — because Ryan North is amazing and all his comics have alt-text — “I like the idea of eating so much that the most important thing about your food isn’t what you eat, but rather just the number of pounds it weighs. I — I really like eating, you guys.”)
But then Squirrel Girl agrees that’s fair– “If I got woke up in a new body with a bunch of stupid adult responsibilities I never asked for, no friends, no support — I honestly can’t say I wouldn’t be trying something like what you’re doing right now.” Then, because Squirrel Girl doesn’t need to defeat her enemies with physical violence, she points out that with his strength and super-durable hide, he can solve his problems by working at a demolition company and knock down buildings for a job! (“You can get paid for that??” “As long as you only knock down the buildings you’re supposed to, sure!”) Her mom’s friend works for one, so she writes him a note and says he can drop her a line! Hippo says he’ll give it a try, but “if this doesn’t work out, I’m coming back to steal this bank. Not steal from the bank. I will literally lift this bank up and carry it away.”
So, yay! Victory! Nancy then points out that Chipmunk Hunk and Koi Boi are fellow ESU students, so they go back to campus and have some nice hang-out times in the form of a friendship montage! Afterwards, Nancy laments, “Everyone has powers and talks to a different animal but me. Terrific. I’m the Xander.” But because Squirrel Girl is her friend, she realizes that Nancy might very well have the power to talk to animals, but it might not be an animal that one comes across every day, so they’ll go to the zoo first thing tomorrow and “chat up every animal there.” So they start at the monkey exhibit (this is the best comic in the world you guys) and Squirrel Girl asks Nancy to just please introduce herself to these monkeys. So she does! (And don’t forget to enjoy the alt-text!) Squirrel Girls says she needs to speak up because they could barely hear her, so Nancy does, and then this happens! In the fullness of time, they do not discover an animal with whom Nancy Whitehead can communicate, but suddenly the zoo is overrun by lions who have escaped their pen after the zookeeper has a cardiac event! Before Squirrel Girl can even get into costume, the day is singlehandedly saved by the superhero debut of… Girl Squirrel?? The next evening, Squirrel Girl confides in Nancy that as far as she knows, squirrels don’t have super-powers, none of the squirrels recognize Girl Squirrel, and she ignored Squirrel Girl in the zoo when she tired to talk to her: “I’ve never said this about a squirrel before, but… I don’t trust her.” We then follow Girl Squirrel on a nocturnal campaign of terror as she flies from home to home in NYC, whispering things in the ears of the sleeping citizenry that are so sinister, it drives the narrator to quit!
But this is the part I really wanted to point out. You guys… these are details that are by no means required to be included in a comic about a plucky young superhero who can communicate with squirrels. But the nut planet references how Squirrel Girl convinced Galactus not to devour the Earth in issue 4, as well as convincing Kraven the Hunter that there’s more challenging prey to hunt in the Marvel Universe than just Spider-Man, as seen in issue 1. (Because, you guys, let’s not forget that all things considered, Squirrel Girl is a confident young female superhero who solves her problems through communication and without resorting to violence. What better role model could one ask for?) Details like this show such dedication and attention to detail on behalf of the creators, and that is just a wonderful thing to see. I feel like I get so much bang for my buck on every page, in every panel of this series, and I hope that it continues for a million issues, and that you all read it right along with me.
Ahhhhhh, a Guardians of the Galaxy comic written by Bill Willingham. It’s like slipping into a warm bath.
This issue begins with the delightfully improbable premise of Nightcrawler participating in the 648th Quinquennial Blade-Fighting Championship on a distant planet, only to face off against Gamora in the semi-finals. This issue is just loaded with fun details, many of which are found in the ongoing narration by the hosts of the televised event, Wendophon of Hin and Huldan Wull of Kreevar Underwave. For example, when speaking of Gamora’s bouts:
Hul: “But by far, her most impressive battle was her mid-elimination bout against the Vradel Swarm, a community shared-mind creature. Amazingly, it was determined by the judges to be a single opponent.”
Wen: “Yes, and I for one think that was a bad ruling on their part, Hul. That swarm thing is not a single fighter by any stretch of the imagination.”
Hul: “The point is moot now. Not many of them survived Gamora’s knives.”
And it shows Gamora fighting off a bunch of tiny armored purple pixie-things. It’s nice. It’s something more than just a bunch of stupid alien mercenaries with space-guns. My other favorite bit is when Good Morning Empire is interviewing the reigning champion, Kree warrior Haracon the Ghostmaker:
Haracon: “I’m not interested in rehashing tired old war stories. I’m here to support my charity: Tanks for Tots.”
Bollo Brok: “Of course. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about your favored cause?”
Haracon: “As you may know, thousands of underprivileged Kree toddlers have to enter their first battle school without any prior heavy armor experience. That puts them at a severe scholastic disadvantage to children from wealthier Kree homes. Tanks for Tots sponsors those less fortunate kids to visit heavy weapons proving grounds, to soak up vital early tank and heavy artillery experience. We give them the head start they need to compete later on a level field.”
I also enjoyed the variety of the opponents — for example, when Nightcrawler faces off against the top Skrull defender, six-time Skrull blade champion Contessa Yuow Yuow Screet (I love these names, it’s not just idiocy like Bibbleglap or X’krr’kxt). Since the rules allow for one blade per appendage, she’s just a huge bunch of tentacles and swords atop two legs, with some spooky red eyes peeking out from the central mass. Even better, according to the hosts, “This is an original shape perfected over many years and absolutely proprietary to her. She calls it Blade Fury and no other Skrull shifter can legally try to copy it.” But Nightcrawler manages not to overpower her, but to get in close where her own tentacles and swords can’t penetrate, then achieves victory with what the judges deem a killing touch, since they determined “if a kill could take place, it’s the same as if the kill did take place.” Of course, this judgment becomes more complicated with opponents like Gamora when taking her regenerative abilities into account.
And it’s all just nice. It’s all these little details that give texture and depth to a story’s setting, even if it’s a wacky space story about aliens swordfighting against each other. Nightcrawler is clearly enjoying himself in the role of wisecracking swashbuckler, and even Gamora breaks into a smile or two and goes beyond the usual grim, stilted warrior-woman dialogue. The story leads up to the final bout between Nightcrawler and Gamora, with reigning champion Haracon as a spectator. In the course of the battle, Nightcrawler reveals his teleportation abilities that he heretofore has yet to demonstrate during the competition; he teleports himself, Gamora, and Haracon in stages up to Gamora’s ship in orbit, in order to capture and prosecute Haracon for his role in the massacre at Fort Resolve, since the only reason they both entered the competition was because they knew Haracon would be there in person.
This issue is everything a fun, lighthearted, inconsequential space-adventure should be.
Ahhh, the ubiquity of Deadpool. I often wonder if there the hypothetical reader actually exists that just demands more Deadpool, all the Deadpool, Deadpool guest-appearances in every Marvel comic please! One shudders to think! But, like… have you ever wondered why? What exactly is it about Deadpool? Is it the way his ceaseless, tired, “Scary Movie”-esque pop culture references and frequent use of hilarious words like “chimichanga” speak to today’s youth culture? Is it the fact that he “breaks the fourth wall,” behaving like a comic character who is aware that he’s a comic character, constantly winking at the reader while nudging them in the ribs to the point of bruising? Or is it just that he’s the wacky guy, a remnant of the nineties “anti-heroes,” who shrugs off traditional superhero morality while gleefully bouncing through the whole of the Marvel universe, shooting his guns and lighting his farts in increasingly hollow and cartoonish exploits?
And so, because we have to, we are presented with Deadpool’s Secret Secret Wars, in which we explore what it would have been like if Deadpool had participated in the events of the original Secret Wars miniseries from ’84-’85. Can you guys even handle the potential for wackiness?? Deadpool has done pastiche-style comics before, most recently a few issues of the most recent Posehn/Duggan run – my particular favorite was an issue set in the ’90s which heavily referenced Rob Liefeld’s excessive cross-hatching and distorted understanding of human anatomy. Unfortunately, this miniseries is written by… sigh… Cullen Bunn. As per usual, I’ve nothing against Cullen Bunn’s writing – would that I could get worked up over it one way or the other – but the fact of the matter is he’s just… not… funny. Here are several examples:
Exhibit A: My god, do I hate it when comic characters reference basic elements of the comic itself, like flashbacks, panel layouts, or speech bubbles. But yeah, so, I guess that’s also a halfhearted attempt at a “joke” by way of Deadpool pointing out that the Wasp has breasts?
Exhibit B: A bathroom reference followed immediately by a Poltergeist reference. The laffs just keep on coming!
Exhibit C: These panels basically capture what feels like the entirety of the issue: Deadpool making lazy, unfunny side-comments to other characters who stand around disinterestedly and don’t respond.
It’s examples like these and others — Deadpool doing a coughing-gag, or catching Kang off-guard by kicking him in the ‘nads — that make me wonder if a requirement for a Deadpool comic is that it is meant to be funny. Is a reference to his “biscuits” funny? Is Deadpool propositioning She-Hulk and the Enchantress for a threesome funny? How about mentioning the word “speedos?” Is any of this meant to engender amusement on part of the reader? Or is just it the difference between comedy and pure base immaturity? And then I started really thinking about how, upon closer analysis, this is seriously just a straight-up re-telling of the first issue or two of Secret Wars with Deadpool on the sidelines, not influencing or directing the plot while every other “serious” character goes through the same motions. Deadpool yammers while dragging up Kang’s unconscious body? Nobody acknowledges him. Deadpool lazily refers to Storm as “that biker girl?” Nobody responds. Deadpool is literally whispering nonsense in Wolverine’s ear? No reaction. The only bits I halfway liked were the Absorbing Man unintentionally absorbing Deadpool’s hideous appearance along with his powers, and Deadpool telling the Lizard, “Watch it, scaly! This is the only set of clothes I brought! It’s not like there are machines around here that just magically create new costumes!”
So I started to wonder… is it me? Am I some kind of alien whose definition of humor is different than that of human society? Am I just absolutely not the target audience for this kind of thing, but which then leads to the question, who is? Is Deadpool’s only job in this comic to provide pointless, unfunny, and/or sarcastic commentary while all but telling the reader, “Hey, guys, I’ve read the same comics you have! Isn’t that great?” And then I thought, wait… pointless quibbling, metafictional awareness, lame not-jokes… is Deadpool supposed to be… a Marvel comics fan? Is he supposed to be a stand-in for the reader? Is Deadpool supposed to be me? Am I Deadpool???! …Which made me realize I was going way too far down the rabbit-hole, and I’m pretty sure I was devoting more thought to this comic than did any of its creators.
Anyway, what could have been a fun experiment ends up as nothing but a collection of tired, lazy gags that not even the characters themselves get worked up about. For an example of how to do this kind of thing right, please see one of my all-time favorite comics, Deadpool 11 from Joe Kelly’s run on the series, which I will continue to argue is the best Deadpool run that was unappreciated in its time. I don’t think anyone is nearly as capable of balancing action, pathos, and humor as Joe Kelly – his Deadpool was a psychopathic mercenary who was always trying to do right thing, even though at times he probably couldn’t have told you why he was bothering. In this issue, Deadpool is thrown back in time to the otherwise forgettable Amazing Spider-Man 47, with Pete Woods and inkers Al Milgrom and Joe Sinnott doing an incredible job of mimicking the style of John Romita’s original penciling. Trapped in the past with a busted teleporter, Deadpool’s only shot to make it back to the present is to use his holographic image inducer to pose as “bony college boy” Peter Parker, disguise Blind Al as Peter’s fainting-prone aunt May, track down the younger version of his science-genius sidekick Weasel, and not do too much damage to the timestream, while simultaneously fighting off Kraven the Hunter and trying not to make fun of Norman Osborn’s ridiculous hair. It is 100% amazing and you should all read that issue instead of devoting any more thought to Deadpool’s Secret Secret Wars.
In the course of my occasional perusals of the Official Index to the Marvel Universe, I came across the entry for issue 218 of the Avengers, co-written by J.M. DeMatteis and Jim Shooter, and I knew from the synopsis that this issue called for a more thorough, in-depth analysis!
Our story begins on an ordinary quiet day at Avengers Mansion, when Jarvis opens the door to greet a precocious young lad who demands to meet with the Avengers on a matter of grave importance. Wasp happens by and offers to take the boy on a grand your, but sick of being patronized, he shoves his way past her and into the mansion to find the rest of the Avengers. Which brings us to this panel. I love this panel, I love everything about it. It’s so simple, yet so expressive, in that it tells such a wonderful story about an off-day in the lives of the Avengers. Thor, the immortal Norse god of thunder, son of All-Father Odin and wielder of the mighty Mjolnir, in full regalia, has been crouched down and holding up this doodad for the last, like, forty-five minutes, and e’en the vaunted patience of the Asgardians hath limitations, though verily it doth approach the edges of eternity itself. The Thing holding up a giant mechanical framistat for hours on end on behalf of Mr. Fantastic? Sure, of course, that’s what he’s there for. But Thor? Hilarious. Meanwhile, Captain America is so eager to get their team meeting underway that he has spent the last three hours working out his frustrations in the gym. This is fair enough for a guy like Captain America, but aside from the math not adding up here – perhaps we may safely assume that the inter-spatial monitor repair was but the last item on Iron Man’s extensive to-do list – but now, his patience at an end, he has resorted to leaning against the wall and staring at these two until their work is completed and they can finally get down to important Avengers business. I suppose he could bring these guys up to speed while they work, but they haven’t yet called the meeting to order, and the by-laws are there for a reason, you guys.
So once Little Timmy Trouble successfully infiltrates Avengers Mansion, we get a couple truly wonderful moments, like this one: I’m not 100% sure what’s supposed to be happening in this panel, but truly, who among us could reasonably expect to survive being spanked by the Norse god of thunder? (Of course, if Chris Hemsworth Thor was willing to participate in this study, I would report back to you, dear reader, with my findings.) But the very next panel, oh my god you guys, this is the one that just sets me all a-giggle. “Steeeeve… is this another one of your boys hanging around, getting underfoot? Avengers Mansion simply isn’t equipped to accommodate all of the foundlings you insist on bringing home, and poor Jarvis is absolutely at his wit’s end!” “No, no, I recognize all of my boys, Tony, and this little scamp isn’t one of them!” I just love that Captain America uses the phrase brought around. Sure, I suppose I could do some research on Captain America 267 as recommended by the footnote, but I don’t wanna. (Well. Maybe someday.) And so, when Iron Man asks the boy’s name to see if they can contact his parents, the boy instead reaches into his wee little jacket with an air of “calm uncertainty”(?), straight-up pulls out a revolver, and before the Avengers can do anything to stop him, he shoots himself in the head.
Dear reader, at this point, I would like to show you the eye-catching cover of this issue:
This is the cover of Avengers 218, released in April 1982, and I can only imagine that it stood out among the other offerings displayed on newsstands! I want you to think about how many adult professionals in the comic industry signed off on this issue, gave it their stamp of approval, and said, “Yeah okay, this looks good, let’s send it off to the printers.” This issue includes a full-page ad for Bubble-Yum bubble gum, and when one turns the page, literally the very next page, we get a five-year-old boy shooting himself in the head.
Anyway! Upon resurrecting from a wad of Silly-Putty — and thereby finally succeeding in grabbing the Avengers’ full attention — this child tells them his tragic tale. Formerly some dumb minor Captain America villain, “billionaire/inventor” Morgan MacNeil Hardy, he was reborn after his apparent demise, but with full memory of all his many lives, going back thousands of years. For lack of a better option, Captain America refers to him as “this… ‘Forever-Man,'” which, c’mon you guys, he’s from the ’40s, his name is Captain America, what does he know about cool super-names? Good ol’ Thor basically says he doesn’t see the problem, since he knows from firsthand experience that immortality is awesome, but the Forever-Man replies that yeah, it’d be awesome if you were a thunder god instead of just an endless succession of regular boring jerks, which I think is a valid point. (Though doesn’t it make this self-professed immortal’s earlier assertion that he wouldn’t “live through” Thor spanking him somewhat… peculiar?) So the Avengers run some tests, after which Iron Man has no problem referring to this kid as “a freak of nature” while he’s in the same room, and in the space of two pages, dear sweet Wasp goes from “the Avengers will do everything in their power to help you!” to “But who are we to provide him with a means of suicide?”, even though that is what he is literally demanding!
So what happens afterwards? Well, what else is a Forever-Man to do if Earth’s mightiest heroes cannot aid him in his plight? He sneaks out from Avengers Mansion under the cover of night, stows away on board a south-bound freight train, and uses his trusty revolver to fend off a pair of hobos with untoward intentions towards this young boy traveling alone, who, by the way, are drawn to resemble Laurel and Hardy(??????????). He then exploits his child-like appearance to bluff his way into a research base and on board a space probe headed toward the sun, in the hopes that he can take matters into his own hand and bring about his own demise… resulting in the following nightmarish ordeal.
You guys, let’s… let’s just take a moment here. Can you even wrap your head around the fact that this guy, this tragic immortal, stowed away on board a solar probe with no life support, continuing to suffocate and die and resurrect and suffocate and die and resurrect over and over again, for as many weeks as it takes to reach the sun? Oh and P.S. he’s in the body of a naked five-year-old boy??? That is DARK, sirs! They just don’t make ’em like this anymore, and there is probably a valid reason for that.
As much as I hate to admit it, the latter half of this issue is comparatively dull (in that it does not actively portray the Avengers as helpless to stop the repeated suicidal demise of a child). Once the Forever-Man reaches the sun, he is repeatedly obliterated and resurrected to the point where he becomes a deranged amnesiac giant sun-monster, then makes his way back to Earth to wreak vengeance upon the Avengers, even though he can’t remember why. A by-the-numbers superhero battle follows ensues, after which Thor summons a vortex to hurl the Forever-Man into orbit before it goes nova and explodes. The Avengers explore the resulting crater and find the young boy resurrected yet again, only this time, with no memory of who he is or how he came to be there. As the issue draws to a close and Iron Man wonders if this amnesia, if legitimate, might be a bit convenient, he and Captain America ponder the ramifications of what they’ve learned from this adventure. And I can only hope that they continue to wonder about it “for the rest of their days.” To this day, while Steve Rogers is passing down the mantle of Captain America to his longtime friend the Falcon, or pursing fugitive Avengers suspected of annihilating entire parallel Earths, or even fighting in an alien gladiatorial arena alongside his pal Devil Dinosaur, I hope he sometimes takes a moment to pause, reflect, and wonder about this day in which the Avengers encountered a little naked boy who just wanted to shoot himself in front of them when he wasn’t rampaging through the city as a giant sun-monster.
GUESS WHO’S GOT HIS VERY OWN EXCLUSIVE ED LUCE WUVABLE OAF SKETCH VARIANT EDITION OF SECRET WARS #1
HERE’S A HINT: NOT YOU
BOOM
Before we start digging in to this issue, to really get the necessary background, I should bring up the first two issues of the spinoff series Guardians Team-Up – because naturally, I’m sure there were fans pointing to Bendis’s GotG and saying “Yes, this, we want more of this!” I think these two issues are a handy summation, a microcosm if you will, of everything wrong with Bendis’s lazy writing – for example, the alien Chitauri demonstrating one of my top pet peeves by haphazardly alternating between translated speech and unintelligible squiggles, depending on whether or not Bendis feels like letting the reader know what the characters are saying to each other. Not to mention the apparent necessity to include every character in every team involved in every crossover. Look at this cluster@#$%! That’s twelve Avengers! Dear reader, do you think that even a fraction of all these characters are going to actually contribute to this story? Not even kidding, master of kung-fu Shang-Chi’s only, only line in this entire issue is, “Okay, wow, space people.” It’s what I absolutely do not understand about crossovers these days: why include EVERY character if they’re not going to DO anything? I know a case could be made against crossovers like the Infinity War where everybody assembles only to stand around in the Baxter Building, but if you want to know what Vindicator or Multiple Man think about what’s going on, you can find out in their respective series. But do you… do you think anyone who’s a fan of, say, Cannonball is going to be happy that he shows up in this story, only to say things like “Gesundheit!” when Drax yells “Chitauri!”? Why not, instead of all the Avengers, perhaps just invite… some of the Avengers?
But anyway, I’m getting off-track. You can sum up this entire waste-of-Art-Adams’-talent issue in one sentence: the GotG are pursued from space, they crash into Earth (conveniently), meet the Avengers, have a pointless fight with some Chitauri for a while until they fire off a giant knock-out energy bomb I mean “genetic disruptor,” and then Nebula spacenaps Gamora. (But my sole favorite part of this issue was good ol’ Hawkeye just trying to eat his sandwich in peace, but then hanging his head in resignation after two spaceships flew by in quick succession. Thank god for you, Art Adams.)
The second issue begins with a moderately-humorous scene of a policeman and an EMT standing alongside the crater left from the Chiaturi battle, littered with unconscious Avengers and GotG. The raccoon bits are as tired as ever, but I did think “Is that a tree or a sculpture of a tree?” “Were they fighting over it?” was pretty funny. When wondering aloud whether or not these are the actual Avengers, one asks, “Where’s Thor, then?” Because hey yeah, where is Thor, Brian Michael Bendis? Despite the new Thor not yet having anything to do with the Avengers, we clearly saw her in the first issue, standing silently in the background with a stupid blank look on her face, probably just enjoying that incredibly hilarious banter as much as the rest of us. It turns out Thor is but one of the Avengers that vanish between issues without explanation, also including Captain America, because clearly the story could not sustain the weight of its own cast of characters. But I would like to take a moment to direct your attention to page eight, panel four – take a close look there between Smasher and Spider-Woman. What the @#$% is that scribbly bull@#$% supposed to be? Is that Angela? Freyja? Bundegarde the Forgotten? ‘Cause it’s sure as @#$% not Thor! And on this subject, in the second issue, we also have this funny ha-ha joke about the GotG forgetting Venom was on the team. I guess it’s kinda funny, until one realizes that (a) the GotG clearly have too many members for any of them to be treated like actual characters instead of one-note gags, and (b) Venom is yet another character dragged into this mob scene of a story, only to pointedly, emphatically contribute nothing to the story in any discernible way.
But my long-winded point is that this issue introduces Kindun the Living Planet, who I guess is like Ego the Living Planet, only boring and stupid. He’s just this guy? Just this boring generic alien guy? And instead of a personality or backstory, all he does is keep reiterating, “I am this planet.” Okay, cool! How does that happen? How does a guy become a planet, or vise versa? Did… did you want to demonstrate what “I am this planet” actually means by doing something while the rest of the Avengers cut through the Chitauri like so much fodder? Or… could we get maybe a flashback to explain what this guy’s deal is, instead of devoting several bland pages to reminding us that Gamora and Thanos know each other? Because, yeah, Kindun is mad at Thanos for doing something to him however-long ago, and now he’s… taking his vengeance out on Gamora? Who doesn’t even seem to recognize him? Which makes me feel like I should probably conduct a study on how many Bendis plots are predicated on someone seeking vengeance against someone they’ve never met to get back at some uninvolved third party, because it’s easy to write an antagonist that just acts like an irrational lunatic, isn’t it? And speaking of easy writing, this issue follows a standard Bendis plot structure: someone gets kidnapped, several dozen characters stand around for several pages yammering about the hows and whys and wherefores, then they somehow [plot–convenient teleporter Manifold] go over there [to the other end of the galaxy apparently] and get said kidnapped character, nothing at stake, nothing changes, the end.
Man, I wish the sentient embodiment of an entire planet were in the hands of a writer who knew what he was doing. Also, why go to the effort of creating a halfhearted original character when you could have made use of the Living Planet that already exists? We only recently had a miniseries where Thanos launches an attack on Ego, which was awesome. (There was one part where the narrator said the most disturbing thing he’d ever seen was Ego breaking into a smile – and it was! It was disturbing!) Ego had as much motivation to retaliate against Thanos as anyone!
Anydangway. This brings us here to the final issue of the current run of GotG before Secret Wars, and with that in mind, I thought the world-destroying cataclysm looming over the horizon at the end of the previous issue was the same cataclysm from every other Marvel series right now. But nope! Gamora wastes no time in informing us that the planet on a collision course with Spartax is actually our old friend “the Kindun,” once again seeking vengeance against Gamora. She flies off to confront the planet while the rest of the GotG participate in uninspired fight-banter against — you guessed it! — the CHITAURI! Yes, the same boring, generic, one-dimensional, no-dialogue alien monsters who bring absolutely nothing to a story, but who you might remember from that movie that time. And poor Rocket Raccoon… he’s always been a bit of a funny cartoon animal, but at least before Bendis he was a character capable of offering more more than just stupid unfunny space-swears over and over and aaaaauuuggghhh GOD. Why has no one told him that there’s more to writing a sci-fi space-alien comic than making up funny-sounding nonsense words? Why has no one told him about that most fundamental rule of writing, “Less is more?”
So, yeah. Gamora confronts Kindun, who looks like he’s been hitting the space-gym since their last encounter. He tells the Chitauri to shoot her with their laser-guns (“I want to see her dying breath. I want to show it to Thanos as recompense for what he has done to us.” Yeah, that’ll teach him to do whatever it was he did!) (Also, um… how do you show somebody someone else’s dying breath? Are… are you having one of the Chitauri film this, Kindun?), and is surprised when they do not kill her. Gamora then takes the position of sensible rational character vs. jabbering lunatic, telling Kindun to stop this misguided fight, pleading with him to just leave and not force her to kill him. Then he orders the Chitauri to kill her, there’s another fight scene where she slaughters everybody, and again she tells him that she hates Thanos too but he really needs to stop threatening her and her friends! And then the Chitauri and the planet retreat to fight another day, yaaaaay. (Star-Lord: “Is it me or are they getting farther away?!” Rocket: “I just thought I was getting taller! (Finally.)” Hahaha because he’s a cute little funny animal!) Gamora then tells the team that she has to leave because she’s become a threat to their safety, prompting the following speech that I find to be both a sincerely admirable attempt on Bendis’ part to imbue Gamora’s character with some personality and conflict and goals, and, simultaneously, a totally overwritten wankfest:
Star-Lord: “No, no, no… no one blames you for this. We’re all a threat to all of our safety.”
Rocket Raccoon: “It’s kind of our thing.”
Gamora: “I now have the power to find and destroy Thanos, and until I do, until the galaxy knows that I have done this once and for all… I cannot let what almost happened today ever happen again. I cannot let you be attacked for the legacy I carry with me. Please relate this to Drax and Groot. I do not believe I could look right into Groot’s eyes and say this to him. I love you all too much. You have no idea how much.”
Haha, yes! Groot is truly the moral compass of the Guardians of the Galaxy, the finest of us all.
Finally, I want to share with you the advance solicitation for this issue: “Guardians no more? Following the Black Vortex, the Guardians have come into conflict with one another more and more. With rifts forming between them, will their friendship and history be enough to hold the team together?” The thing of it is… none of that is true. None of that is what happens in this issue. They actually just fight against a bunch of aliens and a villain who doesn’t have any legitimate reason to hate them. The team is getting along with each other as well as they ever have, for a bunch of space-misfits who have no reason to stick together as a team. And they don’t actually break up. The issue ends with a pouty moody Star-Lord sitting in the Spartax throne room, still nothing more than a blandly-handsome wise-cracking screw-up who continues to run away from the responsibilities of adulthood while he runs around playing space-pirate, and his fiancee Kitty Pryde continues to raise questions to which Bendis himself does not know or offer any answers: asking Star-Lord what he wants to do, and telling him it’s on him to decide what he does next. (No, seriously, that’s the last line of this issue.)
And that’s the twenty-seventh and final issue of this run of the Guardians of the Galaxy. If you liked that, do stay tuned for my upcoming multi-part analysis of why the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, as fun as it was, is the worst thing that could have happened to these characters!
So have you guys heard that Uncanny X-Men 600, the long-awaited final issue of Bendis’s X-Men run, has been pushed back from May to October? Man, was I crushed to hear that news. I just want an ending! Just the night prior, I’d been telling my husband how much I was looking forward to (hopefully) letting myself love the X-Men again. It’s been a hard three years, you guys! I can only hope the next creative team can help deliver us from mediocrity.
In the meanwhile, perhaps it’s the good feeling of knowing Bendis’ run is nearing it send, or maybe it’s Kris Anka’s consistently gorgeous and expressive artwork, or maybe it’s the satisfaction that comes from the rare occasions when Bendis actually wraps up a plotline… but after my first reading, this felt like a pretty good issue, in that it had a beginning, middle, and end, along with a fun reveal or two. (Cover unrelated, however, as Emma Frost does not appear in this issue. I love it when this happens to Bendis titles, since I’ve heard it’s when his stories run longer than he intended, as if he’s simply a humble artist at the mercy of his muse.) It opens with Cyclops confronting Mystique in a standard scene wherein Bendis has someone explore the wildly inconsistent characterization of his own writing as if it was all done with some sort of intent:
Cyclops: “Raven… you are a mutant of exceptional ability. You might be one of the best.”
Mystique: “Might?”
Cyclops: “But one minute you’re setting up a nightmare mutant utopia in Madripoor. The next you’re attacking your own people. (What you did to Dazzler…) You were one of Xavier’s soldiers, just like me… and now? Honestly… I’m talking to you, Raven… mutant to mutant. What are you doing? What do you want?”
Yes! This is what it means to be a comic writer! Just have a brilliant character like Mystique flail around like some stupid action-movie villain, accumulating money and power with no clear motivation or apparent end goal, then have someone have a nice rational sit-down with her and ask, “What are you doing? What do you want?” It’s a fair question Brian Michael Bendis.
But we don’t get an answer, of course. It turns out that Cyclops is actually Dazzler in disguise, since Mystique kidnapped her, took her identity as S.H.I.E.L.D.’s mutant liaison, and kept her in a drugged-up coma for a while, and now Dazzler is out for payback. She goes aboard the S.H.I.E.L.D. helicarrier to inform Maria Hill of her intent and get whatever current intel they have on Mystique’s whereabouts; Bendis continues to insist on making poor Maria Hill talk like an idiot every chance he gets, from telling the rest of the helicarrier bridge crew, “Everyone go potty. I’ll call you back in when I need you,” to telling Dazzler “I’d be out-of-my-skin pissed if she took my place in the world,” and when Dazzler negotiates for clean records for the X-Men’s new mutant recruits in exchange for custody of Mystique, she replies, “You bring me that terrorist, I’ll give you that and I’ll buy you all ice cream, too.” So, yeah, business as usual, I guess.
So Mystique clues in to Dazzler’s disguise by referencing the affair she and Cyclops never really had, and the Stepford Cuckoos are managing to hold Mystique in place telepathically, despite Mystique “using anti-psychic nano-technology that we don’t know anything about yet” (hahaha what). Mystique taunts Dazzler for not doing anything interesting with her life until Mystique took it from her, then succumbs to the kind of uncharacteristic dialogue that results from plain ol’ lazy writing right before Dazzler zaps her out of a high-rise window. Buuuuut instead of letting her plummet to her death, Magik teleports down and rescues her, Mystique (apparently sincerely?!) admits that Dazzler is a better woman than she is, and Dazzler tells her she’s trying to teach these kids “something someone should have taught you.” Dazzler goes back to singing, Maria Hill re-recruits Dazzler to S.H.I.E.L.D., and the young X-Men wonder where the rule is that says they have to be X-Men, and maybe they can be something else. TO BE CONCLUDED… IN UNCANNY X-MEN #600 AT SOME UNDETERMINED POINT IN THE FUTURE!
So… what happened to Mystique, you may ask? Good question! I assume she’s in S.H.I.E.L.D. prison? I guess Brian Michael Bendis said everything he wanted to say about her character? I think this issue felt like a good issue because Bendis was asking the same questions I am — what does Mystique want? What are the young X-Men going to do with themselves now that Cyclops has dissolved the team? — but upon further analysis, he doesn’t actually get around to providing any answers. Right when we think Mystique is about to have a moment of character development (I mean, her face was obscured in shadow, you guys! Twice!), the scene just skips to her asking who Cyclops really is, then moves right along to the next comedy/action bit. So aside from Dazzler once referring to Mystique as “that sad, scared little girl hiding behind all her masks,” this story isn’t actually about Mystique at all, which it really should have been. Still… I guess it was nice to have Dazzler in the spotlight for a little while.
This is the Secret Wars miniseries purported to bring about the end of the Ultimate line of comics — well, the latest end of the Ultimate comics, anyway. At the end of the day, it’s every bit what one would expect from a Bendis/Bagley comic, no less, and certainly no more. The New York Cities from both universes are kinda merged into one. (Or, as bizarrely stated in the Secret Wars recap page, “Each domain holding its own mysteries and enchantments, but none so New York as… Manhattan.”) Spider-Man comes down with a case of the Bendises by whining like an idiot for the whole issue about how everybody knows his secret identity, apparently forgetting that the majority of the planet and everyone else in the entire multiverse has been obliterated in an apocalyptic cataclysm. (“I have a family. I have things to protect. I may have adult acne. And I don’t like any of you knowing my name!!!”) After a perfunctory fight scene with Spider-Man and the Teen Ultimates versus the all-ladies Serpent Squad — during which I noticed that Miles Morales is completely absent from this entire issue, which I thought was a peculiar omission — we quickly get back to Bendis’ natural element: a dozen characters standing around in a room yammering at each other. Example:
Hawkeye: “It’s a fair question… why are you leading this meeting, Fury?”
Nick Fury: “Because I called the meeting. You’re in my house, Hawkeye. And where I come from, that makes you a guest. And where I come from, a guest shows some %#&*$@ courtesy to his %#&*$@ host.”
Hawkeye: “Where did you come from?”
Nick Fury: “And frankly, Barton, I don’t care if you stay or leave.”
Hawkeye: “I believe I was just told off.”
Black Widow: “Spanked.”
Good god. That is how the scene opens. So many words used to say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. But I will say that the lettering is doing a remarkable job of adhering to all-capitals for the Marvel characters, and lowercase lettering for the Ultimates. Good job, Cory Petit! I admire your attention to detail.
But we could stay here all day pointing out irritating Bendis foibles one by one. (Oh, heck, just one more for good measure!) But back when I first heard the news about the Marvel and Ultimate universes smooshing together like so many pizzas, I kinda shrugged, because at this point I thought the Ultimate universe basically consisted of “Miles Morales and others.” So I thought I’d do a quick rundown on the few surviving Ultimate characters that remain.
Miles Morales: Oh wow, did you guys hear there’s a black Spider-Man? But yeah, the apparent darling of the Ultimate universe, and I could not tell you anything about his personality other than he’s a good kid. With, like, a good heart, and a good head on his shoulders, or whatever. I mean, what can you guys tell me about Miles Morales that’s not related to his race? Not much, right? It’s just a shame that between this and Spider-Verse, he’s been relegated to not just a Spider-Man among many.
The Thing: You guys probably hadn’t heard that a couple years back, the Ultimate Thing kinda “molted” out of his rocky exterior, resulting in a Ben Grimm who can either be a normal human, or can transform into a guy who’s just as strong as the Thing, only he’s glowy and purple instead of an ungainly rock-monster, so it’s easier for him to fall in wuv with his girlfriend, Sue Storm. Because I know I’ve said it a million times: “The Thing is always more interesting when he can change back and forth from his monster form at will.”
Nick Fury: Believe it or not, we actually now have two black Nick Furys. The one in the Marvel universe is actually the long-lost son of Nick Fury Sr.! Yes, our cup runneth over with Nick Furys!
Iron Man: Antonio Stark (this isn’t a joke, his Ultimate name is seriously Antonio) was pretty fun as Mark Millar’s unabashedly alcoholic genius millionaire with a terminal brain tumor, but he’s since had just about all the edges rounded off until he’s basically just another Iron Man. Although it was kinda fun once he started talking to his brain tumor and it developed into a kind of separate entity named Anthony, a “parallel processor” with the power to technopathically control and communicate with machinery. (This also isn’t a joke.)
Invisible Woman: I like that she’s a genius biologist instead of a devoted wife and mother, but that’s pretty much all the brings to the table.
Hawkeye: As something of an exception, the Marvel Hawkeye has basically morphed into something more closely resembling his Ultimate equivalent, all sunglasses and straps and close-cropped hair. Thinking about it, isn’t it kinda weird that Matt Fraction is singlehandedly responsible for flipping the switch that turned Hawkeye from the hotheaded rogue — who’d basically get mad at Captain America’s authority and get back at him by forming his own team of Avengers and he’ll be the leader, see what he thinks about that — into the hard-luck whipping-boy of the Avengers?
Cloak and Dagger: They were high school sweethearts who got into a limo accident on the way to their prom that placed them both into identical comas, during which time they were experimented on by a brain trust of mad scientists and given super-powers identical to that of their Marvel equivalents. So they’re around. But seriously, matching comas.
The Hulk: There is still an Ultimate Hulk. He is grayish. That is all.
Thor: I think the last we saw of Ultimate Thor, he was left drifting in the lightless void alongside Galactus after his brief stint in the Ultimate Universe, but I think we’ve seen Galactus again since, so who knows. The thing about Thor was that when he first appeared in Mark Millar’s Ultimates, no one knew if this guy was the actual earthly reincarnation of the god of thunder, or if he was just some hippie nutjob with a massively-powerful hammer and delusions of godhood. But that tension and ambiguity made for a fantastic character, along with his own goals and motivations for being a part of the Ultimates, like when he refused to assist with the battle against the Hulk until President Bush agreed to double the federal foreign aid budget. But then at the end of Ultimates v2, they revealed that, yes, he actually is the god of thunder, and that Asgard exists, and all the other gods and trolls and pixies and whatever just started tumbling out all over the place during the big final battle, and it was like oh, okay, now he’s just another boring Thor. He even started speaking in pseudo-Shakespearean after that. Oh well.
Kitty Pryde: I admit that it might be fun to see more of Ultimate Kitty Pryde. She started out as Peter Parker’s girlfriend (since I doubt there’s anything Bendis loves more than a nice Jewish girl), but then she became a vigilante in her own right, and then a leader among the mutant community. She also practiced with her powers so that in addition to becoming intangible, she can alter her molecular density in the other direction and become, like, this super-dense powerhouse who can smash cars and stuff. Which is the kind of detail I like when these Ultimate characters grow and change beyond the constraints of their Marvel origins.
Colossus: He’s gay, but don’t worry, you guys, Ultimate Colossus is from an alternate reality, not a time-travel paradox, so his coming out didn’t throw me into a fit of impotent nerd-rage. And I think he might even still be alive? I don’t know.
The rest of the X-Men: Oh, god only knows. There’s a boring mohawk Storm. There’s a boring Iceman. There’s a boring southern goth Rogue. There’s a boring Jean Grey where Bendis had her and Teen Jean form their own mutual admiration society and tell each other how great they are. Ultimate Wolverine is dead (as far as I know), but we’ve still got his son Jimmy. They’re all just the same X-Men only whiny boring teenagers and I simply cannot work up the energy to care. (You guys should totally read the Brian K. Vaughan issues of Ultimate X-Men, though. Those were rad.)
Doctor Doom: I think one of the reasons Doctor Doom has yet to successfully translate to the big screen is that he doesn’t have an awesome Ultimate equivalent with a streamlined modern origin story. You know? It’s hard to make a compelling, non-ironic villain out of a disfigured armored mad scientist with doctorates in mechanical engineering and gypsy sorcery. I mean, there is an Ultimate Doctor Doom, as created by Warren Ellis and Stuart Immonen. But he was a goat-legged organic-armored monster-man who started his own commune in Latveria, built a batch of flying bluetooth-controlled bug-bots to murder Reed Richards, and attacks by throwing metal spines and exhaling toxic gas from “converting the remains of my internal organs into poison.” So needless to say, I think he’s a dream come true, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there were those who didn’t share my opinion.
Captain America: Haha, I think Ultimate Steve Rogers might still be dead after the events of Cataclysm? Here’s what happened in that particular issue: Captain America needed to buy everybody time during the fight with Galactus, so he hopped into a jet and took off without a second thought while Storm provided cover. Panel 2: Captain America looking stoic and grim in the pilot’s seat. Panel 3: the jet firing into Galactus’s gaping maw (which was pretty awesome). Panel 4: Captain America runs away from the jet’s cockpit towards the back of the plane. Panel 5: the jet crashes into Galactus’s mouth and explodes. Two more pages and the issue ends. And I was like, was I supposed to interpret that as The Death of Ultimate Captain America? Guys, do you know what Captain America’s superpower is, which he demonstrates in literally every movie he’s in? Jumping out of a plane like it’s not even a big deal. But that’s apparently him in the big stupid fight scene alluded to at the beginning of this very issue, so what-the-@#$%-ever I guess!
Frankly, the only Ultimate character I think has nothing but potential is Reed Richards. I love him because he’s so different from staid and boring Mr. Fantastic. For one thing, Sue analysed him after the accident that gave them all their powers and discovered that he has no bones, no differentiated organs — all he has inside his body is a stack of bacteria (because Warren Ellis loves stacks of bacteria), so he doesn’t even need to eat or breathe. Secondly, he’s a deranged super-genius who created his own separate species in a temporally-accelerated sentient City of the Future. Isn’t that thrilling? What if Mr. Fantastic’s vaunted genius were twisted into something so radically different and interesting? He doesn’t even age! Nick Fury himself referred to him as “a thousand-year-old megalomaniacal boy genius who wiped out most of Europe on a whim!” That is amazing! That is what the Ultimate universe is there for, to take these characters, strip them of decades of cumbersome continuity to get to the core of what they’re about, and then — here’s the crucial part — explore how they can diverge from their expected, predetermined roles! And even though Reed isn’t seen or mentioned in this issue, I’m so gratified that he’s going to have a prominent role in the main Secret Wars series, and I hope we see more of him after all this reality-colliding dust settles.
Well, it looks like the final issue of this series will be issue 17, so I’ll probably go ahead and see this series through to the end, if only out of devotion to Al Ewing. And this was a pretty fun issue:
1) Odin throws a big ol’ blustery godly hissyfit that the rest of the many Marvel pantheons won’t give credence to the his warnings about impending end of existence, which I appreciated, since I’d been wondering what the gods thought about all this Secret Wars nuttiness.
2) Loki’s sinister alternate future self succeeds in killing Balder again – classic!
3) This fairly incredible final page.
4) And finally, the winning panel for this week’s Pandering Directly to Cody award! Rrowwrr indeed, you god of mischief, you!
Okay, so here’s a quick rundown for what you guys should know about Secret Wars: for the last, like, three years, all the alternate realities of the Marvel universe have been colliding with and annihilating each other, culminating in the final collision between the Marvel universe and the Ultimate universe. So, spoiler alert, every Marvel character exploded and died forever. Except Doctor Doom did some kinda magic somethin’, and now the only thing left is Battleworld, hearkening back to the patchwork planet from the original miniseries, assembled from fragments of numerous different planets. This time the world is assembled from the remnants of a few dozen Marvel continuities, including separate realities like 1602, the Age of Apocalypse, and Future Imperfect, or versions where established events turned out differently, like Civil War, Inferno, or the X-Tinction Agenda. They all coexist within their own territories, each zone has its own baron or baroness to keep things in order, and everybody is ruled over by their all-powerful god-emperor, Doctor Doom. The Thor Corps are the enforcers of Doom’s laws, and if anybody breaks those laws, they’re tossed over the giant wall separating the rest of Battleworld from the Deadlands, where all the ravenous Marvel Zombies hang out. But what I like about it is that instead of a whole planet full of characters saying “Oh no oh no what’s going on where are we how did we get here,” as far as they know, it has ever been thus, and Doctor Doom has always ruled over them and this entire ridiculous planet.
And so, as is de rigueur for giant crossover events these days, like feeder fish hanging out around the mouths of sharks, we get the tie-in anthology miniseries. In my opinion, there are ways to do tie-in anthology miniseries well, and a few examples that spring to mind are some of the X-Men miniseries. When there was a big event in the main titles, such as when the X-Men broke up for a little while after the events of Messiah CompleX, or when they relocated to San Francisco, they put out a four- or five-issue series with a handful of stories of the various X-Men adjusting to recent events. And since there were — and remain — just so many X-Men, it was always nice to see just a few pages of minor side-characters who otherwise tend to get lost in the crowd, having solo adventures or tying up some loose ends, put together by new/upcoming creators.
But then there was the recent tie-in miniseries for Original Sin (confusingly titled Original Sins), out of which I’d say the fifth and final issue was the only good one, despite the darling multi-part Young Avengers series written by Ryan North. (Compare and contrast issue 5’s hilarious two-page back-up written and illustrated by Chip Zdarsky to the issue 4’s two-page back-up about an Eskimo who peed on Captain America while he was still frozen in a block of ice.) And then came the truly execrable AXIS: Revolutions miniseries. Aside from the stories’ focus on inverted characters already heavily featured in the main AXIS series and crossover issues — evil Nightcrawler, jerk Thor, good-guy Sabretooth — each of the halfhearted, inconsequential stories left me with the same unresolved question as the rest of the AXIS event: “So what?”
Hence, I’ve been more than a little reticent to pick up the Secret Wars tie-in miniseries, especially considering there are two of them (Secret Wars: Battleworld and Secret Wars Journal), and especially when the advance solicitations draw attention to this fact by way of a friendly rivalry as each of the series tout themselves over the other. But this issue… ehh, it wasn’t bad. Not awful, but not mind-blowing. The first story featured Punisher unwillingly semi-possessed by the astral form of Dr. Strange, who then encounters Inferno’s demonic answer to the short-lived ’90s Fantastic Four, Hulk, Spider-Man, Ghost Rider, and Wolverine. I enjoyed the Punisher dispassionately utilizing Strange’s sorcery to form a mystical Rocket of Raggadorr-launcher and a Weapon of Watoomb grenade. The war-weary Punisher succeeds in giving up the fight and blowing himself up, allowing Dr. Strange to possess the near-immortal and resigned Wolverine instead, so… yay? Then we get a goofy little story about M.O.D.O.K.’s latest bid for power, summoning a legion of alternate-reality M.O.D.O.K.s, since theirs are the truly superior intellects. With, of course, predictable super-villainous results, since between their mutual distrust and enormous egos, they all quickly end up destroying each other. But I did like when the multi-limbed Spider-M.O.D.O.K. announced, “My spider sensors’ readings are highly erratic!” Largely missable, but still some silly harmless fun to be had.
To Cullen Bunn’s credit, this was a pretty solid issue, laying the groundwork for a forthcoming confrontation between Moon Knight and his patron, Khonshu, the god of vengeance — who, as always, may or may not be a complete fabrication of Moon Knight’s mental illness. I was a little concerned when this issue opened with Moon Knight whining like a big ol’ crybaby after he’d had his first encounter with some kinda Bogeyman. However, following a confrontation with Khonshu in which he is told in no uncertain terms that this is not his fight, we get page after page after page of Moon Knight in business-formal wear (swoon!) riddling the Bogeyman with automatic gunfire in front of a traumatized little girl in her bedroom… which is the kind of stuff I enjoy! And then oh, okay, the little twist ending ties neatly to the opening – that’s fair, that’s pretty well-crafted. An enjoyable enough story, but I think the crazy action was what succeeded in capturing my attention.